I say "when I was small," because I've never felt like a kid. Obviously I WAS a kid, but I remember always thinking that I couldn't wait to grow up. I wanted people to take me seriously. I was stuck in a little body.
I remember thinking weird things as a kid. Things I don't think are normal for a kid to think. One thing I remember thinking when I was a kid...when I was oh, probably about 8 or so, was that it would be hard for me to have my own kids some day. I guess I just always knew. I can't explain how, but I knew. It's the reason I always refused to go on birth control when David and I got married. I knew I wouldn't get pregnant. It's intuition, I think. It's kind of how for 3 months I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that someone I love had a brain tumor. I remember it got to be so bad, I finally told David about it. Which, for the record, I rarely tell people my "feelings" things because I sound like a crazy person.
Then, when I found out Cameron had brain cancer a couple months into having this feeling, I stood in the middle of the quad, where I worked, and realized that I had known something was coming, I just didn't know who or when.
Another thing I always remember thinking as a kid was that I would have twins. Girls. I always think about that...
Friday, March 8, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Woman- get your life together.
So, as I mentioned in my last post, I got to stop the medicine that was making me depressed. Oh, happy day! I finished taking it on a Thursday, and then began another round of different hormones on Monday...or at least I was supposed to. Haha...
So, Monday evening came and I had remembered that I was supposed to take the new medicine. So, around 9 or 10 p.m. I went into my handy dandy medicine bag, full of all the medicines, vials, syringes, and alcohol wipes your heart can imagine. As I was searching through my bag, I couldn't find the particular medicine I was looking for. My girlfriend, Ashley, was over and she could tell I was starting to panic. "Where the hell is my medication," I said as I started to freak out. David came out from his office because he could hear the panic in my voice. You see, fertility is all about timing. If you miss an injection, pill, or anything, you can set yourself back months.
I started to go into freak out mode.
As I frantically looked for the meds that were obviously not there, I grabbed my phone and dialed the emergency line for my doctor. I needed to talk to Beth, my nurse. She is the best and I knew she could fix it.
I made David talk to her at first. He explained that I didn't have the meds. My doctor orders all my medication, so I was confused as to why it wasn't there. "The doctor didn't order that medicine for you because it isn't a medication most people need, and he thought you had some left over from your biopsy in November."
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I was so upset. Why was I JUST now realizing this?
Beth said that she would try and see if she could get a pharmacy to call it in, but most pharmacies do not carry injectables, and that if she didn't find one with my particular medication, we might have a problem.
I was so upset with myself. Of course David kept saying it would all work out.
"It won't work out. It never works out. Why would it start working out now?" I said with an angry scowl as I walked away. He is always so optimistic. It makes me mad sometimes because I feel like I am the only one feeling the way I feel. I know he is just trying to make me feel better, but sometimes I hate optimism...especially when it involves fertility. I really just want someone to say "this sucks, and it may not ever work." ...because that would be honest.
I went to bed. I was mad at myself, and was done for the day.
I woke up and went to work. Beth called me around 9 a.m. to let me know she found some of the medication. I just had to leave right after work to get it in Fountain Valley.
Thank you, Jesus.
I got my meds. I started them Tuesday...which won't effect my medicine schedule. YAY! :)
So, now I am on a different injection...story of my life. :)
So, Monday evening came and I had remembered that I was supposed to take the new medicine. So, around 9 or 10 p.m. I went into my handy dandy medicine bag, full of all the medicines, vials, syringes, and alcohol wipes your heart can imagine. As I was searching through my bag, I couldn't find the particular medicine I was looking for. My girlfriend, Ashley, was over and she could tell I was starting to panic. "Where the hell is my medication," I said as I started to freak out. David came out from his office because he could hear the panic in my voice. You see, fertility is all about timing. If you miss an injection, pill, or anything, you can set yourself back months.
I started to go into freak out mode.
As I frantically looked for the meds that were obviously not there, I grabbed my phone and dialed the emergency line for my doctor. I needed to talk to Beth, my nurse. She is the best and I knew she could fix it.
I made David talk to her at first. He explained that I didn't have the meds. My doctor orders all my medication, so I was confused as to why it wasn't there. "The doctor didn't order that medicine for you because it isn't a medication most people need, and he thought you had some left over from your biopsy in November."
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I was so upset. Why was I JUST now realizing this?
Beth said that she would try and see if she could get a pharmacy to call it in, but most pharmacies do not carry injectables, and that if she didn't find one with my particular medication, we might have a problem.
I was so upset with myself. Of course David kept saying it would all work out.
"It won't work out. It never works out. Why would it start working out now?" I said with an angry scowl as I walked away. He is always so optimistic. It makes me mad sometimes because I feel like I am the only one feeling the way I feel. I know he is just trying to make me feel better, but sometimes I hate optimism...especially when it involves fertility. I really just want someone to say "this sucks, and it may not ever work." ...because that would be honest.
I went to bed. I was mad at myself, and was done for the day.
I woke up and went to work. Beth called me around 9 a.m. to let me know she found some of the medication. I just had to leave right after work to get it in Fountain Valley.
Thank you, Jesus.
I got my meds. I started them Tuesday...which won't effect my medicine schedule. YAY! :)
So, now I am on a different injection...story of my life. :)
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Medicinal Depression.
For the last 4-6ish weeks I have been battling depression. It has been awful. I actually don't notice it at first. I never notice it in the beginning. I have been medicinally depressed before, but it is always so much easier to see it once I am back to normal. I get better at seeing the signs each time. The hormones they put me on cause it. It is always a certain medication that does it.
I have spent weeks going to bed between 7 and 8:30 p.m. Often times I just go in my room and lay there. Many times I cannot sleep, although I try. Mostly, I just don't want to face the world. I started to notice my mood change this time when I was overly irritated with David because he didn't want ice cream and I did. I was so irritated that I wouldn't let him go with me to get it. That's not like me.
Then, he noticed that I stopped talking. He would always ask, "are you okay?" I always respond that I am, because I don't feel mad. I just simply don't have a desire to talk to anyone. Which, as you know, is not at all the typical me. I've just been going through the motions of life.
Today is the last day of this medication. I am so happy. I can't wait to be back to my normal self. And I can't wait to not eat everything in my sight.
I have spent weeks going to bed between 7 and 8:30 p.m. Often times I just go in my room and lay there. Many times I cannot sleep, although I try. Mostly, I just don't want to face the world. I started to notice my mood change this time when I was overly irritated with David because he didn't want ice cream and I did. I was so irritated that I wouldn't let him go with me to get it. That's not like me.
Then, he noticed that I stopped talking. He would always ask, "are you okay?" I always respond that I am, because I don't feel mad. I just simply don't have a desire to talk to anyone. Which, as you know, is not at all the typical me. I've just been going through the motions of life.
Today is the last day of this medication. I am so happy. I can't wait to be back to my normal self. And I can't wait to not eat everything in my sight.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Monday Update
Yesterday David and I were talking after we got off of the phone with the doctor. We kind of decided that we would be happy with 8 embryos. Yesterday we knew we already had 2 and that we were just waiting to hear about the 11. We figured together, that 8 would be more than enough. That was our magic number. We would be soooo over the moon happy if we got 8. We figured we wouldn't, but that was our number.
Today David had to go to work, so I was going to be getting the phone call on my own. David had given me a list of questions he wanted me to ask. I literally waited by the phone. It rang once and I jumped, but it wasn't the doctor. FINALLY it rang and it WAS the doctor.
When I spoke to her she said that she wanted to give me the updates. She said that this morning they froze 15 embryos. FIFTEEN?!?
Wait. 15?
But we had only had 2...and we were waiting for the other 11. How did that happen? 2+11 does not equal 15. I was confused. I asked her how that happened. She then started talking and I got lost. She said something about one of them splitting or something. I just kept asking "so, we have FIFTEEN embryos?"
She didn't stutter. That's what she said. WE HAD 15 EMBRYOS!!! YAY!
I then asked her what the grade on the embryos was. The grading scale is 1-4, with 1 being the best. She said all embryos were either a 1 or 2.
I was so happy. I couldn't wait to tell David. He was happy too. We are kind of shocked though. We were expecting 8 or less, so 15 is a lot.
But we are happy.
Today was good. I am feeling very blessed.
Today David had to go to work, so I was going to be getting the phone call on my own. David had given me a list of questions he wanted me to ask. I literally waited by the phone. It rang once and I jumped, but it wasn't the doctor. FINALLY it rang and it WAS the doctor.
When I spoke to her she said that she wanted to give me the updates. She said that this morning they froze 15 embryos. FIFTEEN?!?
Wait. 15?
But we had only had 2...and we were waiting for the other 11. How did that happen? 2+11 does not equal 15. I was confused. I asked her how that happened. She then started talking and I got lost. She said something about one of them splitting or something. I just kept asking "so, we have FIFTEEN embryos?"
She didn't stutter. That's what she said. WE HAD 15 EMBRYOS!!! YAY!
I then asked her what the grade on the embryos was. The grading scale is 1-4, with 1 being the best. She said all embryos were either a 1 or 2.
I was so happy. I couldn't wait to tell David. He was happy too. We are kind of shocked though. We were expecting 8 or less, so 15 is a lot.
But we are happy.
Today was good. I am feeling very blessed.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Daily Updates
David and I get daily phone calls from the doctor to let us know how things are going in the lab. Basically they are letting us know how our petrie dish babies are growing. It's weird, but we get really excited for that phone call in the mornings.
When they call, I have to have my weight ready to tell and my waist size. They need to make sure I am not in danger. Since they took out the eggs, my ovaries are now filled with fluid. They have to monitor how much I grow. The doctor says gaining 1 lbs a day is okay, but if I gain more than 3 lbs per day it is dangerous and I have to go to the ER. As of now, I have gained 9lbs. Blah. I feel and look like a house. It feels like someone put a hose in my belly button, and filled up my whole uterus.
Yesterday when the doctor called, I was devastated. If you look at my earlier post, things looked grim. This morning's phone call went much better. Here is the latest:
When I came out of surgery, I had 5 eggs that were fully mature. They took these 5 eggs and put a sperm in them. Of these 5, only 3 fertilized. This was yesterday. When they called today they let us know that of the 3 that fertilized, only 2 had reached cell division. The other one stopped growing. So, from that batch, we have 2 embryos that are multi cellular and that are where they should be.
Now...back to Friday. They took the rest of my eggs (the ones that were not fully mature), and they did a scientific procedure to mature the eggs. Out of the 22 they tried to mature, they were able to mature 13 of them. Then, yesterday they added sperm to those eggs, and of the 13, 11 were fertilized. We are now waiting to see which of those will have cell division. I think we will find out tmr.
Our embryologist told us that they had issues with he sperm sample from Friday, and that it was low quality. She told us that luckily they had a sample from 2 months ago that they had frozen. When they thawed that one they had a better batch to work with.
So that's where we are. Of course we are hoping we get as many embryos as possible. I think our final phone call comes tmr. and then they will freeze what they have.
I will keep you updated.
When they call, I have to have my weight ready to tell and my waist size. They need to make sure I am not in danger. Since they took out the eggs, my ovaries are now filled with fluid. They have to monitor how much I grow. The doctor says gaining 1 lbs a day is okay, but if I gain more than 3 lbs per day it is dangerous and I have to go to the ER. As of now, I have gained 9lbs. Blah. I feel and look like a house. It feels like someone put a hose in my belly button, and filled up my whole uterus.
Yesterday when the doctor called, I was devastated. If you look at my earlier post, things looked grim. This morning's phone call went much better. Here is the latest:
When I came out of surgery, I had 5 eggs that were fully mature. They took these 5 eggs and put a sperm in them. Of these 5, only 3 fertilized. This was yesterday. When they called today they let us know that of the 3 that fertilized, only 2 had reached cell division. The other one stopped growing. So, from that batch, we have 2 embryos that are multi cellular and that are where they should be.
Now...back to Friday. They took the rest of my eggs (the ones that were not fully mature), and they did a scientific procedure to mature the eggs. Out of the 22 they tried to mature, they were able to mature 13 of them. Then, yesterday they added sperm to those eggs, and of the 13, 11 were fertilized. We are now waiting to see which of those will have cell division. I think we will find out tmr.
Our embryologist told us that they had issues with he sperm sample from Friday, and that it was low quality. She told us that luckily they had a sample from 2 months ago that they had frozen. When they thawed that one they had a better batch to work with.
So that's where we are. Of course we are hoping we get as many embryos as possible. I think our final phone call comes tmr. and then they will freeze what they have.
I will keep you updated.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Broken Hearted.
I knew when I hadn't heard back from my doctor Friday night that things were not okay. I think often times we don't trust our gut, but mine is usually right, so I have learned to trust it. I had been telling David that something was wrong the night before, but, always being the optimist, he disagreed. Sometimes I think he knows I am right, but I think he thinks he has to say positive because I usually start to fall apart.
This morning I got a call from Doctor Diaz. He called to inform us that after surgery yesterday, the embryologists had determined that I had 5 viable eggs. That is a lot less than 13-21 like he had initially anticipated. My heart sunk.
He then let us know that the embryologists took the other, underdeveloped eggs and did a process called maturation. By doing this, they were able to scientifically mature 9 more of my eggs. So, I now have a total of 14 mature eggs, although the first 5 seem to be of better quality since they did not need scientific intervention.
And then the doctor delivered the final, devastating blow. The sperm sample that was given was poor. It was of low quality. In other words, the morphology and motility was bad. Our outcome does not look good.
I knew it. I knew something was wrong. My heart broke. My heart IS broken. This is it. This is our last chance. There is nothing after IVF. We are out of options.
Our doctor says he will update us daily with what is going on in the lab. The situation has become so desperate, he made the executive decision to fertilize all eggs.
It looks bad.
I am devastated.
This was it.
This morning I got a call from Doctor Diaz. He called to inform us that after surgery yesterday, the embryologists had determined that I had 5 viable eggs. That is a lot less than 13-21 like he had initially anticipated. My heart sunk.
He then let us know that the embryologists took the other, underdeveloped eggs and did a process called maturation. By doing this, they were able to scientifically mature 9 more of my eggs. So, I now have a total of 14 mature eggs, although the first 5 seem to be of better quality since they did not need scientific intervention.
And then the doctor delivered the final, devastating blow. The sperm sample that was given was poor. It was of low quality. In other words, the morphology and motility was bad. Our outcome does not look good.
I knew it. I knew something was wrong. My heart broke. My heart IS broken. This is it. This is our last chance. There is nothing after IVF. We are out of options.
Our doctor says he will update us daily with what is going on in the lab. The situation has become so desperate, he made the executive decision to fertilize all eggs.
It looks bad.
I am devastated.
This was it.
Surgery Day
On Friday I woke up and set out for the hospital. David drove me, of course, since I was going to be under anesthesia.
I went in and met my anesthetist. He was very nice. He started my I.V. and then starting pumping meds. Antibiotics to help with possible infections, anti nausea medication so that when I wake up I don't get sick, a special protein that would help my ovaries shrink back down to their normal size, and then BAM. Propofol. I was out!
When I woke up in recovery, I was greeted by a nurse named Mary. She was a very sweet older woman. She took good care of me. She told me that they got 27 eggs! YIPEE!!! I was very happy.
Then, Dr. Diaz walked in and let me know how it went and also informed me that the embryologists were with the eggs, doing whatever they do and that most likely we would get between 13 and 21 that were where they needed to be. While I was asleep, David have to give a sample of his own. ;)
As I left the hospital, Doctor Diaz said he would be calling me in a few hours to give me an update on everything.
I went home and stayed in bed. I am taking this bed rest thing very seriously because I want my ovaries to get back to normal so that I can do the transfer in Feb.
As the night progressed, I hadn't heard from the doctor, and I began to have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was wrong...
I went in and met my anesthetist. He was very nice. He started my I.V. and then starting pumping meds. Antibiotics to help with possible infections, anti nausea medication so that when I wake up I don't get sick, a special protein that would help my ovaries shrink back down to their normal size, and then BAM. Propofol. I was out!
When I woke up in recovery, I was greeted by a nurse named Mary. She was a very sweet older woman. She took good care of me. She told me that they got 27 eggs! YIPEE!!! I was very happy.
Then, Dr. Diaz walked in and let me know how it went and also informed me that the embryologists were with the eggs, doing whatever they do and that most likely we would get between 13 and 21 that were where they needed to be. While I was asleep, David have to give a sample of his own. ;)
As I left the hospital, Doctor Diaz said he would be calling me in a few hours to give me an update on everything.
I went home and stayed in bed. I am taking this bed rest thing very seriously because I want my ovaries to get back to normal so that I can do the transfer in Feb.
As the night progressed, I hadn't heard from the doctor, and I began to have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something was wrong...
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Thursday: Day 10, and night before surgery
So...I ended up being okay. After talking to my nurse last night, she phoned the doctor. He finally responded at 11:00 p.m. I went in this morning and my blood work was okay. :)
Later I got an email from my doctor and a text from my nurse. They wanted to let me know it was okay that I had injected the wrong medicine. They both new how stupid I felt, so I think they wanted me to feel better. They are so great!
My surgery is tmr. morning at 10:00 a.m. They told me that the typical surgery takes only 15-20 minutes, but because I have so many eggs, mine will be 45-60 minutes long. Also, because I have so many eggs, they will have 2 embryologists collecting my eggs and scaling them. I guess usually they only have one.
I have to be intubated and under anesthesia, so that kind of sucks, but the doctor assures me it would be painful without. They have to insert a catheter in through my fallopian tubes, all the way through to my ovaries, to extract each egg.
Once I wake up I have to be put on antibiotics and pain meds. I also have to come home and be on bed rest for 4 days. That worked out perfect with it being a long holiday weekend. I also have to weigh myself and measure my waist daily to make sure I go back to my normal size. I thought that was kind of funny.
Once the eggs are harvested tmr. they will fertilize them with 1 sperm each. Then they will let them grow for 5 days and then freeze them. The embryos will stay frozen until my body unswells and I am able to have them transferred back into my body. I am really hoping this will happen in February. Fingers crossed.
They also mentioned that I may hyper stimulate after retrieval. I didn't even know that was possible. Hoping this isn't the case.
Last month they had 15 people do IVF, here were their stats:
Of the 15, 7 got pregnant and 4 of them are pregnant with twins.
Wish me luck!!! :)
Later I got an email from my doctor and a text from my nurse. They wanted to let me know it was okay that I had injected the wrong medicine. They both new how stupid I felt, so I think they wanted me to feel better. They are so great!
My surgery is tmr. morning at 10:00 a.m. They told me that the typical surgery takes only 15-20 minutes, but because I have so many eggs, mine will be 45-60 minutes long. Also, because I have so many eggs, they will have 2 embryologists collecting my eggs and scaling them. I guess usually they only have one.
I have to be intubated and under anesthesia, so that kind of sucks, but the doctor assures me it would be painful without. They have to insert a catheter in through my fallopian tubes, all the way through to my ovaries, to extract each egg.
Once I wake up I have to be put on antibiotics and pain meds. I also have to come home and be on bed rest for 4 days. That worked out perfect with it being a long holiday weekend. I also have to weigh myself and measure my waist daily to make sure I go back to my normal size. I thought that was kind of funny.
Once the eggs are harvested tmr. they will fertilize them with 1 sperm each. Then they will let them grow for 5 days and then freeze them. The embryos will stay frozen until my body unswells and I am able to have them transferred back into my body. I am really hoping this will happen in February. Fingers crossed.
They also mentioned that I may hyper stimulate after retrieval. I didn't even know that was possible. Hoping this isn't the case.
Last month they had 15 people do IVF, here were their stats:
Of the 15, 7 got pregnant and 4 of them are pregnant with twins.
Wish me luck!!! :)
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Wednesday: Day 9
I am the biggest idiot. EVER! I just went to give myself my shots for today and I gave myself the wrong one. Ugh! I am so dumb. I am a teacher...NOT A NURSE. Why do they trust me with this stuff?!?! How am I such a moron?!?!
Now I am waiting for my nurse to text me back. I bet this has never happened before. I am so DUMB.
There are soooo many...Menopur...Cetrocide...Gonal F...Estrogen...Progesterone...HCG...Lupron...I can't keep them straight!!!
Well...today my appointment went well...I am where I need to be so they scheduled surgery for 10:00 a.m. on Friday morning. I was supposed to take my 3 shots tonight to trigger my ovulation, but since I took the wrong one...who knows what will happen?
Oh, Lord....please pray I didn't just screw up $15,000 worth of effort. :(
I think I may cry.
I'll keep you all posted.
Now I am waiting for my nurse to text me back. I bet this has never happened before. I am so DUMB.
There are soooo many...Menopur...Cetrocide...Gonal F...Estrogen...Progesterone...HCG...Lupron...I can't keep them straight!!!
Well...today my appointment went well...I am where I need to be so they scheduled surgery for 10:00 a.m. on Friday morning. I was supposed to take my 3 shots tonight to trigger my ovulation, but since I took the wrong one...who knows what will happen?
Oh, Lord....please pray I didn't just screw up $15,000 worth of effort. :(
I think I may cry.
I'll keep you all posted.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Day 8: Tuesday
Another doctor's appointment this morning.
I made huge growth from Monday's appointment to Tuesday's appointment. The ultra sound tech. said that I am ready to trigger. That means that my follicles almost all measure at about a 20, and I will have to take a shot that will induce ovulation. Once this happens, they will have a day and a half to retrieve the eggs.
I asked her how many it looked like I had and she said it looks like the doctor will be retrieving between 20 and 30.
They lowered my meds today. It seems as though they are prepping me for surgery on Friday. They kept going between Thursday and Friday, but it sounds like it's looking more like Friday.
It's getting so close....eeeekkkkk! I am excited. One step closer. :)
I made huge growth from Monday's appointment to Tuesday's appointment. The ultra sound tech. said that I am ready to trigger. That means that my follicles almost all measure at about a 20, and I will have to take a shot that will induce ovulation. Once this happens, they will have a day and a half to retrieve the eggs.
I asked her how many it looked like I had and she said it looks like the doctor will be retrieving between 20 and 30.
They lowered my meds today. It seems as though they are prepping me for surgery on Friday. They kept going between Thursday and Friday, but it sounds like it's looking more like Friday.
It's getting so close....eeeekkkkk! I am excited. One step closer. :)
Monday, January 14, 2013
Day 7: Monday Update
Went to the doctor today.
I have about 20 follicles growing to the size they want. This is good.
I am starting to grow, but only a little bit. I can still sleep on my stomach. Thankfully.
I am now stopping one of the injections, so I only have to have 2 shots a day. Thumbs up for that! :)
I am suppose to keep stress levels low. And then today I ran (not supposed to be running) 50 yards to scream at gang members who were beating another gang member to a pulp. True story. It took me over an hour to stop shaking. Haha.
Okay...no stress starting...NOW. :)
Here is to hoping surgery day continues to be on Friday...
I have about 20 follicles growing to the size they want. This is good.
I am starting to grow, but only a little bit. I can still sleep on my stomach. Thankfully.
I am now stopping one of the injections, so I only have to have 2 shots a day. Thumbs up for that! :)
I am suppose to keep stress levels low. And then today I ran (not supposed to be running) 50 yards to scream at gang members who were beating another gang member to a pulp. True story. It took me over an hour to stop shaking. Haha.
Okay...no stress starting...NOW. :)
Here is to hoping surgery day continues to be on Friday...
Friday, January 11, 2013
Friday: Day 5
This morning I had another doctors appointment. I will have one every day from now until my surgery. Now that I am getting much closer I have to be monitored more.
I am excited. I know that is weird because I am looking forward to a surgery, but I am. I am getting so much closer. :)
I left my house before it was even light out. It was soooooo early. I got to the office about 7:20 a.m. I didn't have to be there until 7:45, but I wanted to make sure I was early, so that I would be ready and make it to work faster. As it is, I have to be late. I hate the feeling of being late to work. I don't care if it's for a good reason or not. It just looks bad.
Anyway...
As soon as they got there I peed in a cup, had blood drawn, and then quickly ran into the ultra sound room and got naked. Haha. Oh.....so funny.
The tech came in and started measuring my follicles. She said she didn't dare measure them all because we would be there all day, so she just decided to measure the ones that were a 10 or higher. The goal is to get the follicles to a 20. When they reach a 20, they are ready for fertilization.
I had about 13 that were a 10 or higher. She said that was good, and that I would have a lot more by Monday.
Then, she said I was good to go. I pretty much buttoned my pants as I ran out of there.
I made it to work by about 8:30, which wasn't bad. That probably has to do with lack of traffic on a Friday. Traffic will probably be worse next week. I did, also, have to walk into my class being taken care of by my boss. That's always fun. No one ever wants to see their boss teaching their class. Ugh. It makes me feel worse about being late. I'm sure no boss wants to go teach. SO embarassing.
As for me...I am feeling okay. Still growing, but still not as much as last time...knock on wood. I am secretly hoping maybe my body will do something miraculous and not hyper stimulate, and then by some miracle my doctor will say, "I was wrong. You CAN do the embryo transfer this month. Your body did everything it was supposed to." I know. I'm dreaming...but a girl can dream, can't she?
:)
Oh...and let's talk about the fact that my husband NEVER has to travel for work. Oh, and, of course, surprise 4-day conference the day after I am supposed to do my embryo transfer. I am supposed to be on bed rest for days after that to help the eggs stick. If the eggs don't stick-no baby! Who wants to come take care of me? :)
I am excited. I know that is weird because I am looking forward to a surgery, but I am. I am getting so much closer. :)
I left my house before it was even light out. It was soooooo early. I got to the office about 7:20 a.m. I didn't have to be there until 7:45, but I wanted to make sure I was early, so that I would be ready and make it to work faster. As it is, I have to be late. I hate the feeling of being late to work. I don't care if it's for a good reason or not. It just looks bad.
Anyway...
As soon as they got there I peed in a cup, had blood drawn, and then quickly ran into the ultra sound room and got naked. Haha. Oh.....so funny.
The tech came in and started measuring my follicles. She said she didn't dare measure them all because we would be there all day, so she just decided to measure the ones that were a 10 or higher. The goal is to get the follicles to a 20. When they reach a 20, they are ready for fertilization.
I had about 13 that were a 10 or higher. She said that was good, and that I would have a lot more by Monday.
Then, she said I was good to go. I pretty much buttoned my pants as I ran out of there.
I made it to work by about 8:30, which wasn't bad. That probably has to do with lack of traffic on a Friday. Traffic will probably be worse next week. I did, also, have to walk into my class being taken care of by my boss. That's always fun. No one ever wants to see their boss teaching their class. Ugh. It makes me feel worse about being late. I'm sure no boss wants to go teach. SO embarassing.
As for me...I am feeling okay. Still growing, but still not as much as last time...knock on wood. I am secretly hoping maybe my body will do something miraculous and not hyper stimulate, and then by some miracle my doctor will say, "I was wrong. You CAN do the embryo transfer this month. Your body did everything it was supposed to." I know. I'm dreaming...but a girl can dream, can't she?
:)
Oh...and let's talk about the fact that my husband NEVER has to travel for work. Oh, and, of course, surprise 4-day conference the day after I am supposed to do my embryo transfer. I am supposed to be on bed rest for days after that to help the eggs stick. If the eggs don't stick-no baby! Who wants to come take care of me? :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Day 3.
Today is day 3 of meds. Suprisingly I feel good. I am bloating, but not as much as I thought. I still feel somewhat myself, and I am able to sleep well. So, this is great news for me.
I have a doctors appointment on Friday morning before work. I will let you know how it goes.
Love to you all! <3
xoxo
I have a doctors appointment on Friday morning before work. I will let you know how it goes.
Love to you all! <3
xoxo
Monday, January 7, 2013
Medications
This is what $3,500 worth of medication looks like.
This will all be in my body within the next 10 days.
...and this is why I will not be able to afford a college education for my future child. ;)
This will all be in my body within the next 10 days.
...and this is why I will not be able to afford a college education for my future child. ;)
Close Call.
...another day...another day I bite the dust.
...well almost, anyway...
I went in this morning for my blood test. I was nice and early. My nurse took my blood and told me she was sure my results would come back fine. You see, on Friday, my Estradoil levels in my blood were at 300. I am not suppose to start my medication until they are under 50.
So when I went in this morning, she told me she would call me later in the day to tell me my results and that I could start my medication. The "official" go ahead. "Don't worry, honey. The levels will go down now that you've started your period," she said.
I bet you can guess how things went. Haha
No phone call.
All day I wait. No call.
I went for coffee with my friend when I realized I still had no call. It was 5. They close at 4. Now what? I needed to know if I was supposed to start my injections.
So I called the emergency line. My nurse answered. "Honey, your results came back at a 242," she explained. My heart dropped. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they? Why would this work? Nothing has worked for the last 5+ years. Why would anything work now???
So, she explained that she hadn't heard back from the doctor. He would have someone call me by 8 tonight. My heart sank. Thank you Sandy Brood for the "pick me up." Sometimes I feel so stupid. Infertility is a big part of my life right now, and I feel stupid about having such highs and lows, but it's nice to know I have friends to listen and friends that understand.
She bought me coffee, and we waited for the call.
I was pretty sure the egg harvest would be cancelled.
Finally I got the call. "The doctor looked over your results. You have no cysts. Your Estradoil levels are high, but doctor said you can proceed because maybe your levels are just high because of the 3 months of injections you just had due to your biopsy" Maria said.
I sighed a huge breath of relief.
Close call.
...well almost, anyway...
I went in this morning for my blood test. I was nice and early. My nurse took my blood and told me she was sure my results would come back fine. You see, on Friday, my Estradoil levels in my blood were at 300. I am not suppose to start my medication until they are under 50.
So when I went in this morning, she told me she would call me later in the day to tell me my results and that I could start my medication. The "official" go ahead. "Don't worry, honey. The levels will go down now that you've started your period," she said.
I bet you can guess how things went. Haha
No phone call.
All day I wait. No call.
I went for coffee with my friend when I realized I still had no call. It was 5. They close at 4. Now what? I needed to know if I was supposed to start my injections.
So I called the emergency line. My nurse answered. "Honey, your results came back at a 242," she explained. My heart dropped. Of course they did. Why wouldn't they? Why would this work? Nothing has worked for the last 5+ years. Why would anything work now???
So, she explained that she hadn't heard back from the doctor. He would have someone call me by 8 tonight. My heart sank. Thank you Sandy Brood for the "pick me up." Sometimes I feel so stupid. Infertility is a big part of my life right now, and I feel stupid about having such highs and lows, but it's nice to know I have friends to listen and friends that understand.
She bought me coffee, and we waited for the call.
I was pretty sure the egg harvest would be cancelled.
Finally I got the call. "The doctor looked over your results. You have no cysts. Your Estradoil levels are high, but doctor said you can proceed because maybe your levels are just high because of the 3 months of injections you just had due to your biopsy" Maria said.
I sighed a huge breath of relief.
Close call.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
My never ending journey..
As usual I had another doctors appointment...and as usual, I got more bad news...
I always believe that at some point the bad news has to stop. But no. It still keeps happening...I wonder what would happen if I just always assume I will get bad news. Maybe that would make my appointments more tolerable.
I went in on Friday afternoon to have an ultrasound. I got teary eyed on the way to my appointment because I was so excited to get started. I have been waiting for this for so long. When I got into the office, my nurse, Beth, asked me if I was upset. "No, just happy and excited," I answered.
I went in and had my ultra sound. Dr. Diaz walked in, all smiles, and asked how my holiday was...and we got started. As he did the ultra sound I watched. He always lets me watch and I am learning how to read the screen. That happens after you have about 100 ultra sounds. :)
As he looked, I saw him looking at my right ovary. He started to count, "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..." and he didn't stop. He didn't stop until he got to 20. "You have 20 follicles! 20 in just your right ovary," he said. "I know" I replied.
Well, I guess I didn't know how many I had, but I know I have a lot because of my PCOS. He then started to tell me that when I start my medication I will be extremely uncomfortable. Clearly, he didn't realize how many eggs I had before. He continued to tell me that my body will swell, I will hyper stimulate, and that I will be very uncomfortable. I know all of this because the last time I did this I got huge.
When I am on these drugs, my body goes crazy. The typical person has a lot less follicles in their ovaries, and so when someone like me has so many it can be problematic and dangerous.
He also told me that my uterus and ovaries will swell to an abnormally large size, and that my body will release a lot of hormones because I am essentially stacking 35-40 worth of period hormones into one cycle. He is going to stimulate the eggs in my ovaries and my body will go crazy. This is what happens during the average period. My body is going to do that times 35-40. That is a lot of hormones, a lot of bloating, and a lot of discomfort.
I could tell where he was going with all of this. "You're not going to transfer the embryos this month are you?" I said to him. He kinda just looked at me..."No" he said apologetically. "Your body will be in shock from all of this. It is dangerous already. If your body is so swollen it will be even more dangerous to transfer the embryos."
I knew what all of this meant, and I knew what he was saying. "So I have to wait?" I said sadly. "Yes," he responded, "you have to wait until you recover. My number one goal is keeping you safe."
I really respect him. I know he is looking out for my best interest, but it's still a blow. He told me to get dressed and we would talk about it when I came out.
I, of course, came out sad. I cried, but the silent tears that fall from your eyes, cry. Not sobbing. My nurse handed me tissues, and the doctor apologized for making me cry so early in the year. "It's just not worth the risk," he said again. "I know, it's just been a long road" I replied.
One of the nurses, not mine, came over and hugged me. "September is a stupid month for a birthday anyway. I would much rather be born in October or November" she said. I smiled. I really like September best, but the fact that she was comforting me was heart warming. What a wonderful, kind person.
I listened as he told me how this month would go, now that things have changed a bit. I will still have my eggs harvest surgery on the 18th...tentatively. I have to be extra careful because of my large amount of follicles. I now have to make some more tough decisions. Because I have so many follicles, I have to decided if I want to fertilize them all. Typically people do, but I will have a LOT of follicles. He told me to think about my ethics and morals and let him know. I potentially have the ability to walk away with 20 or more embryos. I don't think we are aiming for 20 kids, so it's something to think about.
"So, I have to decide how much I want to play God?" I said. "I've gone this far, why stop now?" I said as I smiled. He kind of just nodded. I walked back into the other office as they gathered all of the materials I will need...pamphlets on what to do...papers to sign about the risks...chromosomal testing...egg freezing...etc. The nurse from earlier followed me into the room. "Honey, I just want you to know you aren't playing God, and I am sure many people have said things like that to you. God gave us the ability to create miracles" she said as she laid her hand on my shoulder . I fell in love with her right then. She doesn't know it, but I did. She is an angel.
And so now I wait...a little longer. Things could be much worse...I know that, but it's just always that I have such excitement and anticipation growing inside me, and then something like this happens.
I will win.
I will be my stubborn self.
I will not give up.
Bring it on stupid body...
Meanwhile, please pray for me. Please pray that my surgery goes well and that my ovaries and uterus do not explode. :)
I always believe that at some point the bad news has to stop. But no. It still keeps happening...I wonder what would happen if I just always assume I will get bad news. Maybe that would make my appointments more tolerable.
I went in on Friday afternoon to have an ultrasound. I got teary eyed on the way to my appointment because I was so excited to get started. I have been waiting for this for so long. When I got into the office, my nurse, Beth, asked me if I was upset. "No, just happy and excited," I answered.
I went in and had my ultra sound. Dr. Diaz walked in, all smiles, and asked how my holiday was...and we got started. As he did the ultra sound I watched. He always lets me watch and I am learning how to read the screen. That happens after you have about 100 ultra sounds. :)
As he looked, I saw him looking at my right ovary. He started to count, "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..." and he didn't stop. He didn't stop until he got to 20. "You have 20 follicles! 20 in just your right ovary," he said. "I know" I replied.
Well, I guess I didn't know how many I had, but I know I have a lot because of my PCOS. He then started to tell me that when I start my medication I will be extremely uncomfortable. Clearly, he didn't realize how many eggs I had before. He continued to tell me that my body will swell, I will hyper stimulate, and that I will be very uncomfortable. I know all of this because the last time I did this I got huge.
When I am on these drugs, my body goes crazy. The typical person has a lot less follicles in their ovaries, and so when someone like me has so many it can be problematic and dangerous.
He also told me that my uterus and ovaries will swell to an abnormally large size, and that my body will release a lot of hormones because I am essentially stacking 35-40 worth of period hormones into one cycle. He is going to stimulate the eggs in my ovaries and my body will go crazy. This is what happens during the average period. My body is going to do that times 35-40. That is a lot of hormones, a lot of bloating, and a lot of discomfort.
I could tell where he was going with all of this. "You're not going to transfer the embryos this month are you?" I said to him. He kinda just looked at me..."No" he said apologetically. "Your body will be in shock from all of this. It is dangerous already. If your body is so swollen it will be even more dangerous to transfer the embryos."
I knew what all of this meant, and I knew what he was saying. "So I have to wait?" I said sadly. "Yes," he responded, "you have to wait until you recover. My number one goal is keeping you safe."
I really respect him. I know he is looking out for my best interest, but it's still a blow. He told me to get dressed and we would talk about it when I came out.
I, of course, came out sad. I cried, but the silent tears that fall from your eyes, cry. Not sobbing. My nurse handed me tissues, and the doctor apologized for making me cry so early in the year. "It's just not worth the risk," he said again. "I know, it's just been a long road" I replied.
One of the nurses, not mine, came over and hugged me. "September is a stupid month for a birthday anyway. I would much rather be born in October or November" she said. I smiled. I really like September best, but the fact that she was comforting me was heart warming. What a wonderful, kind person.
I listened as he told me how this month would go, now that things have changed a bit. I will still have my eggs harvest surgery on the 18th...tentatively. I have to be extra careful because of my large amount of follicles. I now have to make some more tough decisions. Because I have so many follicles, I have to decided if I want to fertilize them all. Typically people do, but I will have a LOT of follicles. He told me to think about my ethics and morals and let him know. I potentially have the ability to walk away with 20 or more embryos. I don't think we are aiming for 20 kids, so it's something to think about.
"So, I have to decide how much I want to play God?" I said. "I've gone this far, why stop now?" I said as I smiled. He kind of just nodded. I walked back into the other office as they gathered all of the materials I will need...pamphlets on what to do...papers to sign about the risks...chromosomal testing...egg freezing...etc. The nurse from earlier followed me into the room. "Honey, I just want you to know you aren't playing God, and I am sure many people have said things like that to you. God gave us the ability to create miracles" she said as she laid her hand on my shoulder . I fell in love with her right then. She doesn't know it, but I did. She is an angel.
And so now I wait...a little longer. Things could be much worse...I know that, but it's just always that I have such excitement and anticipation growing inside me, and then something like this happens.
I will win.
I will be my stubborn self.
I will not give up.
Bring it on stupid body...
Meanwhile, please pray for me. Please pray that my surgery goes well and that my ovaries and uterus do not explode. :)
Saturday, January 5, 2013
love is...
Today on my way to my doctors appointment I started to get nervous and excited. As I drove, I got a text message from my friend. It was a picture of her calendar. Here is the text:
It made me think of all of the people who have been there for me, and who continue to be my support through my infertility journey. I've always said love is a verb. It's something you do. It's not 3 words you say when you find a convenient time, or when you need something.
I continued my drive and I thought of all the wonderful people I surround myself with.
To me love is:
...the friend that text you because she remembers you start your medicine today and she wants to say good luck.
...the husband that says we can keep trying until it works.
...the friend that texts you while you sit in the doctors office and says she is at Baby's R Us and is thinking of you.
...the aunt that lets you call her crying because you got bad news again.
...the friend, who even though she just lost her baby, still texts you at work to remind you she is happy for you and you deserve this.
...the nurse that shuts the door and hands you tissue when your heart is broken.
...the friends that celebrate all of the small victories with you.
...the woman who reminds you to keep going even though sometimes it's hard...simply because she wants you to have the opportunity she didn't .
...the friends at work that bring you celebratory brownies because they are excited for you.
and so many, many more.
That is love. And I am quite simply blessed.
I don't know what I did to deserve you all, but I am not ever gonna give you up.
It made me think of all of the people who have been there for me, and who continue to be my support through my infertility journey. I've always said love is a verb. It's something you do. It's not 3 words you say when you find a convenient time, or when you need something.
I continued my drive and I thought of all the wonderful people I surround myself with.
To me love is:
...the friend that text you because she remembers you start your medicine today and she wants to say good luck.
...the husband that says we can keep trying until it works.
...the friend that texts you while you sit in the doctors office and says she is at Baby's R Us and is thinking of you.
...the aunt that lets you call her crying because you got bad news again.
...the friend, who even though she just lost her baby, still texts you at work to remind you she is happy for you and you deserve this.
...the nurse that shuts the door and hands you tissue when your heart is broken.
...the friends that celebrate all of the small victories with you.
...the woman who reminds you to keep going even though sometimes it's hard...simply because she wants you to have the opportunity she didn't .
...the friends at work that bring you celebratory brownies because they are excited for you.
and so many, many more.
That is love. And I am quite simply blessed.
I don't know what I did to deserve you all, but I am not ever gonna give you up.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year!!!
It's a new year.
...and I have something fun to look forward to. :)
I start IVF in just 2 days.
...and I have something fun to look forward to. :)
I start IVF in just 2 days.
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