IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOT DAMN!  ...it WORKED!!!!!

Shock.

I got the call Thursday, December 13th.  I was SUPPOSED to get it on Wednesday.  I spent all of Tuesday evening and ALL of Wednesday sick about waiting for that phone call. 

On Wednesday evening, I was on the phone with my friend when we decided I should call the doctor's office before they closed.  So...I did.  The receptionist answered and told me she would go look into it and call me back.

She called back 5 minutes later and said this:

Receptionist:  I have your results in my hand.  The lab just faxed them over.  Doctor is on the phone with a conference call and he won't be able to look at them until tmr.

Seriously?  I was dying.  THEY WERE IN HER HANDS!!!!  ahhhhhhhhh!

So, I then spent Wednesday night wondering....

Thursday morning came and I knew I would find out sometime during the day.  I was wishing I wasn't at work.  It's hard to concentrate when you are waiting.  My sweet team members brought me brownies in the morning!  ..a WHOLE pan of brownies!

They told me they were either to be comfort brownies or celebratory brownies.  So sweet of them...

I debated on whether or not I would answer the call when it came.  I feel such guilt at the thought of answering it in the middle of class, but the girls I work with insisted I must do it....so I decided I would. 

At about 11:30 I saw the number come up on my phone.  I had been watching that phone like a hawk all day.  I grabbed it, told my kids to work quietly, and retreated to my desk area.  My heart just sank...

I answered and it was Maria...not the doctor.  I quickly said, "Maria, I am at work and I am in the middle of teaching, so I can't talk long, but I HAVE to know the results."  To which she responded, "Honey, it worked.  You are scheduled for IVF in January.  I sent all of your meds to the pharmacy.  Start them today, and call me when you are done teaching."

I started jumping up and down, and ran into the pod...threw my hands up and said to my team, "it worked!!!!!"  I was given BIG hugs, and luckily lunch was only 20 minutes later...cuz I was a useless teacher for those next 20 minutes.

I called and texted everyone I love at lunch.  I was so happy.  I am still so happy.

I might not get pregnant with IVF in January.  I know that.  But this is so much closer than I have ever been.  I am just so happy to be here.  I am so, so elated.

I am SO HAPPY!

It's the gown...

Today I had another procedure.  I had a hysteroscopy paired with a hysterosalpingogram.  Those are just fancy words that basically mean I had my uterus sized, mapped, and measured, and I also had dye injected into my fallopian tubes to make sure they are "all clear."

I like to psyche myself out before I go.  I try really hard to not be nervous.  I usually do a good job until I get there.  I know this sounds weird, but I have a really hard time putting on the gown, hat, booties, etc.  I get really anxious and emotional.  I guess I just start to remember all the bad news I get whenever I put all that stuff on. 

When I got to the office I tried to keep myself occupied by texting my friends.  It helps keep my mind off of it when I am sitting in there alone waiting to be taken into the operating room. 

This is me taking pictures of myself because it felt like I was waiting forever...

I was trying to stay positive and smile.

I did okay for the most part.  Once I got into the operating room I started to have a mild anxiety attack.  I wasn't so much worried about the procedure, but rather being back in that room.  I just remember the last time I was there they told me I had the septum.  That was a really hard day.

Then, as if I am not nervous enough...they strap your legs down with Velcro and pin your hands under blankets.  So...you know...it's super liberating. ;)

As soon as my doctor came in he told me that I would get the results of the biopsy tmr.  That made me more nervous.  You plan, and you anticipate, and you hope so much.  And then just one phone call can decide everything.

I had the procedure, and it was uncomfortable.  I have a tilted uterus...and clear fallopian tubes. 

That's good news.  That made me happy.  So, why then did I cry on my way home?

I think it's the gown.  Something about the stupid gown.  When I was taking it all off I just started to feel so emotional.  I think the gown, for me, symbolizes vulnerability...and hope.

I'm scared for tmr.  I'm scared that the phone call will bring bad news.  I'm worried that this could be another road block in my journey. 

Mostly...I'm afraid I am fighting a losing battle... 

That's kinda weird...

So last night, David and I had to fill out out paperwork for IVF...assuming we do it in January.  They needed all the paperwork ready just in case.

I took some pictures...cuz that's what I do.  I document.  I like to look back. 

Here is a picture of David filling out some of the forms.

This next picture I had to take because it was so weird.  Read the paperwork.  It is soooo weird.  Haha

Love/Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas.  I love it.  I hate it.  I love it because it reminds me to be thankful...it gives me a reason to spend time with the people I love...it reminds me to tell people how much I love them.  There is just so much magic in the air.  I feel like I love people more during the holidays.  Well, maybe not that I love them more, but...I dunno.  It's just better.

One thing I hate is that sometimes it's hard and it makes me sad. 

I haven't decorated in a few years, but this year I made myself.  I didn't go crazy, but it's Christmas-ie in my house...so that's a step in the right direction. 

"You're back!"

I came home last night from dinner with a friend, and when I walked into my house I was cold.  David had been home for a few hours by this time, and when I had initially walked in, I though "how does he deal with being so cold?"  I proceeded to go into my room, even before stopping into his office and seeing him, to go change.  I put on my sweats, socks, and a sweater.  As I walked out, I hit the thermostat up 3 degrees.  I was literally shivering.  I grabbed my blanket and wrapped it around myself, walked in, kissed my husband, and then bundled myself on the couch. 

After a few minutes I was warm.  I was so happy and content.  As soon as this happened, David came walking out of his office.  He was laughing.  "Are you a little cold?" he asked.  "Not anymore!" I responded.  He walked over to the thermostat and said, "you turned this up didn't you?"  Smiling, I responded, "There's a good chance I may have."  He started to laugh, "It is 78 degrees in here!  It is so hot!"  He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, mind you.  "My wife is back!" he chuckled.

You see...I am always cold.  In life, I always want to be warm.  I drive in my car with the heater full blast, and I never turn it off.  David calls my car hell, because it's "hot as hell in there," when I am driving by myself.  (I try not to do it when  have others with me because I like to be accommodating)  I think the reason I abuse the heat so much is because as a child I was always cold at my house.  We were never allowed to use the heater.  I remember not wanting to get out of my bed to go to school because I knew I was going to be so freezing cold.  So, now that I am a grown-up, I abuse the heater in all forms. 

Now, this is all funny because when I am on my fertility medication it makes me menopausal.  I get so hot.  There was a day a couple of weeks ago when I was so hot that I stripped down to my underwear and a tank top to go to bed.  I could not sleep I was so uncomfortably hot.  After trying to sleep with no luck, I opened all the windows in the bedroom, and went out into the living room to turn off the heater.  I wanted to make sure NO heat would enter my house.  I laid back down and about 30 minutes later I STILL could not sleep.  I called David's cell.  YES!  ...I am lazy.  He was in his office, and I was in my bedroom.  Whatever.  I was tired, don't judge me. 

I asked him to turn on the air conditioner.  David came walking into the bedroom and asked me if I was hot.  "Yes.  And I cannot sleep!" I complained.  "It's 65 degrees in the house.  I am really cold," he said, "can we please not turn on the air?"

I married a saint.  I did.  He is wonderful.  He was in sweats and so cold, but wasn't going to say anything until I wanted to turn on the air.  I felt so bad.  I ended up falling asleep without turning on the air.  I closed the windows too.  

I am such a lucky wife.  I don't deserve him, but I'm glad I have him.

It's quite obvious I am not taking fertility meds currently...

Uterine Biopsy #2

Sooo...My second uterine biopsy was Friday.

Let's go all the way back to Thursday night to start though...Thursday night was fun.  It was my last shot.  I have been taking these shots for 3 months.  I had been waiting for the day that I would be taking my last shot.  I was like a giddy child.  All I could think was..."no more bleeding...no more poking...no more bruises...no more panic attacks...no more painful walking.  No more. No more. NO MORE!!!"  eeeeeeekkkk! :)

Then after I was done with my shot, I celebrated.  And then of course, like a baby and true to form, I started to get really nervous for the biopsy the following morning.  I did pretty well though.  But I will say, and I say this everytime, so I will obviously never learn, I really shouldn't go alone...and here is why!

I woke up Friday morning, and when I say I woke up, what I mean is that I was able to sleep in because I took the day off.  My appointment was at 11:00 a.m.  So I ended up taking off the whole day.

I woke up and got ready.  I had sweet friends that wished me luck, and it made me feel so loved.  It means the world to me.  Kate called me to wish me off, and we chatted as I was getting ready to hit the road.  But then...as Kate and I were talking this happened:

Samm: "wait. stop. crap.  I can't find my meds.  I am supposed to take 800 milligrams of Motrin and hour before.  Where are my meds?  Kate, I have the meds.  Where are they?  I bought Motrin last time."

Kate:  "Are you looking?"

Samm: "Yes"  (meanwhile I am frantically throwing meds out of the medicine cabinet, finding nothing)  "I can't find them.  It's 10.  I am going to be late.  Ugggggg"

Kate:  "Take Advil.  I think it's the same."

Then I think I said a bad word or two...

Samm: "Ugh.  I am so dumb!  I will just stop by the store on the way."

Kate:  "Okay.  But I think it's the same."

So...we begin to talk again.  I get in my car.

Samm:  I probably said another bad word at this point because I just realized at this moment that I can't find my keys.  "Errrrrgh!!!!!!!!  Where are my keys?!?"

Kate:  "I dunno?"

Samm:  "I have to go.  I can't find my keys.  I've lost my mind."

At this point I am now late.  It's 10:15 and I should have left by 10 and taken my meds by then too.

So, I got to the grocery store. 

Kate was right.  I asked the pharmacist.  Motrin and Advil are the same.  I quickly grab the pills, and head for something to drink so I can wash it down.  Because I am a genius, I decide I will wash it down with soda because it is 10:30 now which means I am 30 minutes late taking my meds.  Soda will break down the meds faster, right?  Cuz it has a high Ph balance.  No, bad logic, but why not?  I like soda so I tell myself that.  See...Genius!

As I open the refrigerator door, 4 sodas fly out, hit the ground and bust open...all over me...and all over the floor.  I am late.  Really late.   ...but I can't just leave the mess there for the lady to clean up.  That's so inconsiderate.  So what do I do?  I help clean up.  Now I am really late.

I pay and run out.

I get in my car.  Open pills, throw 4 pills in my mouth (they are each 200 milligrams), down some soda, turn on car, and I'm off...

I get on the freeway going way too fast.  And then it hits me.  (And that's when I begin to talk to myself.  Here is the conversation I have with myself)  Was I supposed to take 800 milligrams?  Is that what the doctor said?  Maybe it was 400.  Crap.  Did I just take way too many?  Wait.  Could this be really bad, or just maybe an oops?  You can't over dose on Advil, can you?  YES, STUPID, of course you can.  Of course.  It's medicine.  But 800 milligrams isn't that much...right?  Box says do not exceed 6 pills per day.  I just took 4.  Crap.  Do I need to throw this up?  Call aunt.

Aunt:  "Hello?"

Samm: "Please tell me 800 milligrams is not a lot of Advil to take in one sitting." 

Aunt: "No.  It's not.  Uncle Rick takes that much sometimes."

Samm:  "Oh, good...cuz I just did that.  I am late."

Aunt:  "Wait.  What were you planning to do if I said that was too much Advil to take?"

Samm:  "Turn around and to go to get my stomach pumped. Haha."

Then we talked or a minute and she made fun of me....

I drove really fast and made it on time.  I do not know HOW I made it.

When I got there I did the usual: blood test, blood pressure, etc...and then disrobed.  So fun.  I am always being violated.


The nurse asked me if I was excited. She has a sense of humor.  My nurse then reminds me that because I brought no one with me I am not allowed to have the good meds.  ( I have to have another driver to drive me)  Gee.  Thanks for rubbing it in.  I think next time I will just pay the bum outside to walk in with me.  Haha.  Could you imagine?  "Ya...he's my ride."

Doctor comes in.

Samm:  "Hey Doctor Pain."

Doctor:  "What?  No fair.  Have I hurt you yet?"

Samm:  "No, but you are going to.  Razors typically suck."

Doctor:  "Who did this last time?"

Samm: "Nurse Joan."

Doctor:  "I'm better."

Samm:  "Oh.  Doctor Modesty."  ( I laugh...he does too)

Doctor:  "Want your early Christmas gift?"

Samm: "Uhhhh, yes."

Doctor:  "Okay." :)

Okay...so seriously...he is awesome.  He is so good.  Pretty much best at his job in the world, I think.  I'm sorry, but if you can make me laugh while you are inflicting serious pain...you just win some kind of award.

So he says..."let's count down from 10 together and all the pain will be gone."

"10...(me) it freaking hurts..."

"9...(me) I might say a bad word..."

"8...(doctor) I'll forgive you..."

"7...(me) This really sucks."

"6...(nurse) It will all be worth it..."

"5 (me) ...-4-3-2-1..."

"4 (doctor)...hahaha..."

"3..."

"2..."

"1..."

Doctor:  See that wasn't so bad was it?"

Samm:  "It freaking sucked."

Doctor:  "But not as bad as last time, right?"

Samm:  "No.  You win.  But it still sucked."

Doctor:  "Those were contractions.  You just had contractions.  That's what happens when you are in labor.

Samm:  "Get away from me.  I changed my mind.  No babies for me."

Then he took me in his office.  He asked me when I wanted to do IVF.  I told him as soon as possible.   He said what about January.  I said "yes, please!"

SO he scheduled me.  He scheduled me for IVF in January.  "But what about the biopsy?" I asked.  "The chances of it coming back bad are low."  "So, we are planning for January, then?  I mean unless it's bad?" I ask.  "Yup," he says.

He then tells Maria to order my meds.

"We're doing this?"  I say.

He smiles.  "Yup."

...we're doing this...unless the results are bad.

I'm excited.  But I am also really nervous about the results.  I typically get bad news...

My hopes are officially up.

If it works...baby in late September... (See...my hopes are up.  I shouldn't even know that).