I like to psyche myself out before I go. I try really hard to not be nervous. I usually do a good job until I get there. I know this sounds weird, but I have a really hard time putting on the gown, hat, booties, etc. I get really anxious and emotional. I guess I just start to remember all the bad news I get whenever I put all that stuff on.
When I got to the office I tried to keep myself occupied by texting my friends. It helps keep my mind off of it when I am sitting in there alone waiting to be taken into the operating room.
This is me taking pictures of myself because it felt like I was waiting forever...
I was trying to stay positive and smile.
I did okay for the most part. Once I got into the operating room I started to have a mild anxiety attack. I wasn't so much worried about the procedure, but rather being back in that room. I just remember the last time I was there they told me I had the septum. That was a really hard day.
Then, as if I am not nervous enough...they strap your legs down with Velcro and pin your hands under blankets. So...you know...it's super liberating. ;)
As soon as my doctor came in he told me that I would get the results of the biopsy tmr. That made me more nervous. You plan, and you anticipate, and you hope so much. And then just one phone call can decide everything.
I had the procedure, and it was uncomfortable. I have a tilted uterus...and clear fallopian tubes.
That's good news. That made me happy. So, why then did I cry on my way home?
I think it's the gown. Something about the stupid gown. When I was taking it all off I just started to feel so emotional. I think the gown, for me, symbolizes vulnerability...and hope.
I'm scared for tmr. I'm scared that the phone call will bring bad news. I'm worried that this could be another road block in my journey.
Mostly...I'm afraid I am fighting a losing battle...
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