As usual I had another doctors appointment...and as usual, I got more bad news...
I always believe that at some point the bad news has to stop. But no. It still keeps happening...I wonder what would happen if I just always assume I will get bad news. Maybe that would make my appointments more tolerable.
I went in on Friday afternoon to have an ultrasound. I got teary eyed on the way to my appointment because I was so excited to get started. I have been waiting for this for so long. When I got into the office, my nurse, Beth, asked me if I was upset. "No, just happy and excited," I answered.
I went in and had my ultra sound. Dr. Diaz walked in, all smiles, and asked how my holiday was...and we got started. As he did the ultra sound I watched. He always lets me watch and I am learning how to read the screen. That happens after you have about 100 ultra sounds. :)
As he looked, I saw him looking at my right ovary. He started to count, "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..." and he didn't stop. He didn't stop until he got to 20. "You have 20 follicles! 20 in just your right ovary," he said. "I know" I replied.
Well, I guess I didn't know how many I had, but I know I have a lot because of my PCOS. He then started to tell me that when I start my medication I will be extremely uncomfortable. Clearly, he didn't realize how many eggs I had before. He continued to tell me that my body will swell, I will hyper stimulate, and that I will be very uncomfortable. I know all of this because the last time I did this I got huge.
When I am on these drugs, my body goes crazy. The typical person has a lot less follicles in their ovaries, and so when someone like me has so many it can be problematic and dangerous.
He also told me that my uterus and ovaries will swell to an abnormally large size, and that my body will release a lot of hormones because I am essentially stacking 35-40 worth of period hormones into one cycle. He is going to stimulate the eggs in my ovaries and my body will go crazy. This is what happens during the average period. My body is going to do that times 35-40. That is a lot of hormones, a lot of bloating, and a lot of discomfort.
I could tell where he was going with all of this. "You're not going to transfer the embryos this month are you?" I said to him. He kinda just looked at me..."No" he said apologetically. "Your body will be in shock from all of this. It is dangerous already. If your body is so swollen it will be even more dangerous to transfer the embryos."
I knew what all of this meant, and I knew what he was saying. "So I have to wait?" I said sadly. "Yes," he responded, "you have to wait until you recover. My number one goal is keeping you safe."
I really respect him. I know he is looking out for my best interest, but it's still a blow. He told me to get dressed and we would talk about it when I came out.
I, of course, came out sad. I cried, but the silent tears that fall from your eyes, cry. Not sobbing. My nurse handed me tissues, and the doctor apologized for making me cry so early in the year. "It's just not worth the risk," he said again. "I know, it's just been a long road" I replied.
One of the nurses, not mine, came over and hugged me. "September is a stupid month for a birthday anyway. I would much rather be born in October or November" she said. I smiled. I really like September best, but the fact that she was comforting me was heart warming. What a wonderful, kind person.
I listened as he told me how this month would go, now that things have changed a bit. I will still have my eggs harvest surgery on the 18th...tentatively. I have to be extra careful because of my large amount of follicles. I now have to make some more tough decisions. Because I have so many follicles, I have to decided if I want to fertilize them all. Typically people do, but I will have a LOT of follicles. He told me to think about my ethics and morals and let him know. I potentially have the ability to walk away with 20 or more embryos. I don't think we are aiming for 20 kids, so it's something to think about.
"So, I have to decide how much I want to play God?" I said. "I've gone this far, why stop now?" I said as I smiled. He kind of just nodded. I walked back into the other office as they gathered all of the materials I will need...pamphlets on what to do...papers to sign about the risks...chromosomal testing...egg freezing...etc. The nurse from earlier followed me into the room. "Honey, I just want you to know you aren't playing God, and I am sure many people have said things like that to you. God gave us the ability to create miracles" she said as she laid her hand on my shoulder . I fell in love with her right then. She doesn't know it, but I did. She is an angel.
And so now I wait...a little longer. Things could be much worse...I know that, but it's just always that I have such excitement and anticipation growing inside me, and then something like this happens.
I will win.
I will be my stubborn self.
I will not give up.
Bring it on stupid body...
Meanwhile, please pray for me. Please pray that my surgery goes well and that my ovaries and uterus do not explode. :)
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