Broken Hearted.

I knew when I hadn't heard back from my doctor Friday night that things were not okay.  I think often times we don't trust our gut, but mine is usually right, so I have learned to trust it.  I had been telling David that something was wrong the night before, but, always being the optimist, he disagreed.  Sometimes I think he knows I am right, but I think he thinks he has to say positive because I usually start to fall apart.

This morning I got a call from Doctor Diaz.  He called to inform us that after surgery yesterday, the embryologists had determined that I had 5 viable eggs.  That is a lot less than 13-21 like he had initially anticipated.  My heart sunk.

He then let us know that the embryologists took the other, underdeveloped eggs and did a process called maturation.  By doing this, they were able to scientifically mature 9 more of my eggs.  So, I now have a total of 14 mature eggs, although the first 5 seem to be of better quality since they did not need scientific intervention. 

And then the doctor delivered the final, devastating blow.  The sperm sample that was given was poor.  It was of low quality.  In other words, the morphology and motility was bad.  Our outcome does not look good.

I knew it.  I knew something was wrong.  My heart broke.  My heart IS broken.  This is it.  This is our last chance.  There is nothing after IVF.  We are out of options.

Our doctor says he will update us daily with what is going on in the lab.  The situation has become so desperate, he made the executive decision to fertilize all eggs.

It looks bad.

I am devastated.

This was it.

Surgery Day

On Friday I woke up and set out for the hospital.  David drove me, of course, since I was going to be under anesthesia.

I went in and met my anesthetist.  He was very nice.  He started my I.V. and then starting pumping meds.  Antibiotics to help with possible infections, anti nausea medication so that when I wake up I don't get sick, a special protein that would help my ovaries shrink back down to their normal size, and then BAM.  Propofol.  I was out!

When I woke up in recovery, I was greeted by a nurse named Mary.  She was a very sweet older woman.  She took good care of me.  She told me that they got 27 eggs!  YIPEE!!!  I was very happy.

Then, Dr. Diaz walked in and let me know how it went and also informed me that the embryologists were with the eggs, doing whatever they do and that most likely we would get between 13 and 21 that were where they needed to be.  While I was asleep, David have to give a sample of his own. ;)

As I left the hospital, Doctor Diaz said he would be calling me in a few hours to give me an update on everything.

I went home and stayed in bed.  I am taking this bed rest thing very seriously because I want my ovaries to get back to normal so that I can do the transfer in Feb.

As the night progressed, I hadn't heard from the doctor, and I began to have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I knew something was wrong...

Surgery Day (for egg retrieval)

Today is the day! On my way now! :)

See you on the flip side!

Thursday: Day 10, and night before surgery

So...I ended up being okay.  After talking to my nurse last night, she phoned the doctor.  He finally responded at 11:00 p.m.  I went in this morning and my blood work was okay. :)

Later I got an email from my doctor and a text from my nurse.  They wanted to let me know it was okay that I had injected the wrong medicine.  They both new how stupid I felt, so I think they wanted me to feel better.  They are so great!

My surgery is tmr. morning at 10:00 a.m.  They told me that the typical surgery takes only 15-20 minutes, but because I have so many eggs, mine will be 45-60 minutes long.  Also, because I have so many eggs, they will have 2 embryologists collecting my eggs and scaling them.  I guess usually they only have one.

I have to be intubated and under anesthesia, so that kind of sucks, but the doctor assures me it would be painful without.  They have to insert a catheter in through my fallopian tubes, all the way through to my ovaries, to extract each egg.

Once I wake up I have to be put on antibiotics and pain meds.  I also have to come home and be on bed rest for 4 days.  That worked out perfect with it being a long holiday weekend.  I also have to weigh myself and measure my waist daily to make sure I go back to my normal size.  I thought that was kind of funny.

Once the eggs are harvested tmr. they will fertilize them with 1 sperm each.  Then they will let them grow for 5 days and then freeze them.  The embryos will stay frozen until my body unswells and I am able to have them transferred back into my body.  I am really hoping this will happen in February.  Fingers crossed.

They also mentioned that I may hyper stimulate after retrieval.  I didn't even know that was possible.  Hoping this isn't the case. 

Last month they had 15 people do IVF, here were their stats:

Of the 15, 7 got pregnant and 4 of them are pregnant with twins.

Wish me luck!!! :)

Wednesday: Day 9

I am the biggest idiot.  EVER!  I just went to give myself my shots for today and I gave myself the wrong one.  Ugh!  I am so dumb.  I am a teacher...NOT A NURSE.  Why do they trust me with this stuff?!?!  How am I such a moron?!?! 

Now I am waiting for my nurse to text me back.  I bet this has never happened before.  I am so DUMB.

There are soooo many...Menopur...Cetrocide...Gonal F...Estrogen...Progesterone...HCG...Lupron...I can't keep them straight!!! 

Well...today my appointment went well...I am where I need to be so they scheduled surgery for 10:00 a.m. on Friday morning.  I was supposed to take my 3 shots tonight to trigger my ovulation, but since I took the wrong one...who knows what will happen?

Oh, Lord....please pray I didn't just screw up $15,000 worth of effort. :( 

I think I may cry.


I'll keep you all posted.

Day 8: Tuesday

Another doctor's appointment this morning.

I made huge growth from Monday's appointment to Tuesday's appointment.  The ultra sound tech. said that I am ready to trigger.  That means that my follicles almost all measure at about a 20, and I will have to take a shot that will induce ovulation.  Once this happens, they will have a day and a half to retrieve the eggs.

I asked her how many it looked like I had and she said it looks like the doctor will be retrieving between 20 and 30. 

They lowered my meds today.  It seems as though they are prepping me for surgery on Friday.  They kept going between Thursday and Friday, but it sounds like it's looking more like Friday.

It's getting so close....eeeekkkkk!  I am excited.  One step closer. :)

Day 7: Monday Update

Went to the doctor today.

I have about 20 follicles growing to the size they want.  This is good.

I am starting to grow, but only a little bit.  I can still sleep on my stomach.  Thankfully.

I am now stopping one of the injections, so I only have to have 2 shots a day.  Thumbs up for that! :)

I am suppose to keep stress levels low.  And then today I ran (not supposed to be running) 50 yards to scream at gang members who were beating another gang member to a pulp.  True story.  It took me over an hour to stop shaking.  Haha.

Okay...no stress starting...NOW. :)

Here is to hoping surgery day continues to be on Friday...

Friday: Day 5

This morning I had another doctors appointment.  I will have one every day from now until my surgery.  Now that I am getting much closer I have to be monitored more.

I am excited.  I know that is weird because I am looking forward to a surgery, but I am.  I am getting so much closer. :)

I left my house before it was even light out.  It was soooooo early.  I got to the office about 7:20 a.m.  I didn't have to be there until 7:45, but I wanted to make sure I was early, so that I would be ready and make it to work faster.  As it is, I have to be late.  I hate the feeling of being late to work.  I don't care if it's for a good reason or not.  It just looks bad.

Anyway...

As soon as they got there I peed in a cup, had blood drawn, and then quickly ran into the ultra sound room and got naked.  Haha.  Oh.....so funny.

The tech came in and started measuring my follicles.  She said she didn't dare measure them all because we would be there all day, so she just decided to measure the ones that were a 10 or higher.  The goal is to get the follicles to a 20.  When they reach a 20, they are ready for fertilization.

I had about 13 that were a 10 or higher.  She said that was good, and that I would have a lot more by Monday.

Then, she said I was good to go.  I pretty much buttoned my pants as I ran out of there. 

I made it to work by about 8:30, which wasn't bad.  That probably has to do with lack of traffic on a Friday.  Traffic will probably be worse next week.  I did, also, have to walk into my class being taken care of by my boss.  That's always fun.  No one ever wants to see their boss teaching their class.  Ugh.  It makes me feel worse about being late.  I'm sure no boss wants to go teach.  SO embarassing.

As for me...I am feeling okay.  Still growing, but still not as much as last time...knock on wood.  I am secretly hoping maybe my body will do something miraculous and not hyper stimulate, and then by some miracle my doctor will say, "I was wrong.  You CAN do the embryo transfer this month.  Your body did everything it was supposed to."  I know.  I'm dreaming...but a girl can dream, can't she?

:)

Oh...and let's talk about the fact that my husband NEVER has to travel for work.  Oh, and, of course, surprise 4-day conference the day after I am supposed to do my embryo transfer.  I am supposed to be on bed rest for days after that to help the eggs stick.  If the eggs don't stick-no baby!  Who wants to come take care of me? :)

Day 3.

Today is day 3 of meds.  Suprisingly I feel good.  I am bloating, but not as much as I thought.  I still feel somewhat myself, and I am able to sleep well.  So, this is great news for me.

I have a doctors appointment on Friday morning before work.  I will let you know how it goes.

Love to you all! <3

xoxo

Medications

This is what $3,500 worth of medication looks like.

This will all be in my body within the next 10 days.

...and this is why I will not be able to afford a college education for my future child. ;)

Close Call.

...another day...another day I bite the dust.

...well almost, anyway...

I went in this morning for my blood test.  I was nice and early.  My nurse took my blood and told me she was sure my results would come back fine.  You see, on Friday, my Estradoil levels in my blood were at 300.  I am not suppose to start my medication until they are under 50. 

So when I went in this morning, she told me she would call me later in the day to tell me my results and that I could start my medication.  The "official" go ahead.  "Don't worry, honey.  The levels will go down now that you've started your period," she said. 

I bet you can guess how things went.  Haha

No phone call.

All day I wait.  No call.

I went for coffee with my friend when I realized I still had no call.  It was 5.  They close at 4.  Now what?  I needed to know if I was supposed to start my injections.

So I called the emergency line.  My nurse answered.  "Honey, your results came back at a 242," she explained.  My heart dropped.  Of course they did.  Why wouldn't they?  Why would this work?  Nothing has worked for the last 5+ years.  Why would anything work now???

So, she explained that she hadn't heard back from the doctor.  He would have someone call me by 8 tonight.  My heart sank.  Thank you Sandy Brood for the "pick me up."  Sometimes I feel so stupid.  Infertility is a big part of my life right now, and I feel stupid about having such highs and lows, but it's nice to know I have friends to listen and friends that understand.

She bought me coffee, and we waited for the call.

I was pretty sure the egg harvest would be cancelled.

Finally I got the call.  "The doctor looked over your results.  You have no cysts.  Your Estradoil levels are high, but doctor said you can proceed because maybe your levels are just high because of the 3 months of injections you just had due to your biopsy" Maria said. 

I sighed a huge breath of relief.

Close call.

My never ending journey..

As usual I had another doctors appointment...and as usual, I got more bad news...

I always believe that at some point the bad news has to stop.  But no.  It still keeps happening...I wonder what would happen if I just always assume I will get bad news.  Maybe that would make my appointments more tolerable.

I went in on Friday afternoon to have an ultrasound.  I got teary eyed on the way to my appointment because I was so excited to get started.  I have been waiting for this for so long.  When I got into the office, my nurse, Beth, asked me if I was upset.  "No, just happy and excited," I answered.

I went in and had my ultra sound.  Dr. Diaz walked in, all smiles, and asked how my holiday was...and we got started.  As he did the ultra sound I watched.  He always lets me watch and I am learning how to read the screen.  That happens after you have about 100 ultra sounds. :)

As he looked, I saw him looking at my right ovary.  He started to count, "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..." and he didn't stop.  He didn't stop until he got to 20.  "You have 20 follicles!  20 in just your right ovary," he said.  "I know"  I replied.

Well, I guess I didn't know how many I had, but I know I have a lot because of my PCOS.  He then started to tell me that when I start my medication I will be extremely uncomfortable.  Clearly, he didn't realize how many eggs I had before.  He continued to tell me that my body will swell, I will hyper stimulate, and that I will be very uncomfortable.  I know all of this because the last time I did this I got huge.

When I am on these drugs, my body goes crazy.  The typical person has a lot less follicles in their ovaries, and so when someone like me has so many it can be problematic and dangerous. 

He also told me that my uterus and ovaries will swell to an abnormally large size, and that my body will release a lot of hormones because I am essentially stacking 35-40 worth of period hormones into one cycle.  He is going to stimulate the eggs in my ovaries and my body will go crazy.  This is what happens during the average period.  My body is going to do that times 35-40.  That is a lot of hormones, a lot of bloating, and a lot of discomfort.

I could tell where he was going with all of this.  "You're not going to transfer the embryos this month are you?" I said to him.  He kinda just looked at me..."No" he said apologetically.  "Your body will be in shock from all of this.  It is dangerous already.  If your body is so swollen it will be even more dangerous to transfer the embryos."

I knew what all of this meant, and I knew what he was saying.  "So I have to wait?" I said sadly.  "Yes," he responded, "you have to wait until you recover.  My number one goal is keeping you safe."

I really respect him.  I know he is looking out for my best interest, but it's still a blow.  He told me to get dressed and we would talk about it when I came out.

I, of course, came out sad.  I cried, but the silent tears that fall from your eyes, cry.  Not sobbing.  My nurse handed me tissues, and the doctor apologized for making me cry so early in the year.  "It's just not worth the risk," he said again.  "I know, it's just been a long road" I replied.

One of the nurses, not mine, came over and hugged me.  "September is a stupid month for a birthday anyway.  I would much rather be born in October or November" she said.  I smiled.  I really like September best, but the fact that she was comforting me was heart warming.  What a wonderful, kind person.

I listened as he told me how this month would go, now that things have changed a bit.  I will still have my eggs harvest surgery on the 18th...tentatively.  I have to be extra careful because of my large amount of follicles.  I now have to make some more tough decisions.  Because I have so many follicles, I have to decided if I want to fertilize them all.  Typically people do, but I will have a LOT of follicles.  He told me to think about my ethics and morals and let him know.  I potentially have the ability to walk away with 20 or more embryos.  I don't think we are aiming for 20 kids, so it's something to think about.

"So, I have to decide how much I want to play God?" I said.  "I've gone this far, why stop now?"  I said as I smiled.  He kind of just nodded.  I walked back into the other office as they gathered all of the materials I will need...pamphlets on what to do...papers to sign about the risks...chromosomal testing...egg freezing...etc.  The nurse from earlier followed me into the room.  "Honey, I just want you to know you aren't playing God, and I am sure many people have said things like that to you.  God gave us the ability to create miracles" she said as she laid her hand on my shoulder .  I fell in love with her right then.  She doesn't know it, but I did.  She is an angel.

And so now I wait...a little longer.  Things could be much worse...I know that, but it's just always that I have such excitement and anticipation growing inside me, and then something like this happens. 

I will win.

I will be my stubborn self.

I will not give up.

Bring it on stupid body...

Meanwhile, please pray for me.  Please pray that my surgery goes well and that my ovaries and uterus do not explode. :)

love is...

Today on my way to my doctors appointment I started to get nervous and excited.  As I drove, I got a text message from my friend.  It was a picture of her calendar.  Here is the text:
  

It made me think of all of the people who have been there for me, and who continue to be my support through my infertility journey.  I've always said love is a verb.  It's something you do.  It's not 3 words you say when you find a convenient time, or when you need something.

I continued my drive and I thought of all the wonderful people I surround myself with.

To me love is:

...the friend that text you because she remembers you start your medicine today and she wants to say good luck.
...the husband that says we can keep trying until it works.
...the friend that texts you while you sit in the doctors office and says she is at Baby's R Us and is thinking of you.
...the aunt that lets you call her crying because you got bad news again.
...the friend, who even though she just lost her baby, still texts you at work to remind you she is happy for you and you deserve this.
...the nurse that shuts the door and hands you tissue when your heart is broken.
...the friends that celebrate all of  the small victories with you.
...the woman who reminds you to keep going even though sometimes it's hard...simply because she wants you to have the opportunity she didn't .
...the friends at work that bring you celebratory brownies because they are excited for you.

and so many, many more.

That is love.  And I am quite simply blessed.

I don't know what I did to deserve you all, but I am not ever gonna give you up.

Happy New Year!!!

It's a new year.

...and I have something fun to look forward to. :) 

I start IVF in just 2 days.

IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOT DAMN!  ...it WORKED!!!!!

Shock.

I got the call Thursday, December 13th.  I was SUPPOSED to get it on Wednesday.  I spent all of Tuesday evening and ALL of Wednesday sick about waiting for that phone call. 

On Wednesday evening, I was on the phone with my friend when we decided I should call the doctor's office before they closed.  So...I did.  The receptionist answered and told me she would go look into it and call me back.

She called back 5 minutes later and said this:

Receptionist:  I have your results in my hand.  The lab just faxed them over.  Doctor is on the phone with a conference call and he won't be able to look at them until tmr.

Seriously?  I was dying.  THEY WERE IN HER HANDS!!!!  ahhhhhhhhh!

So, I then spent Wednesday night wondering....

Thursday morning came and I knew I would find out sometime during the day.  I was wishing I wasn't at work.  It's hard to concentrate when you are waiting.  My sweet team members brought me brownies in the morning!  ..a WHOLE pan of brownies!

They told me they were either to be comfort brownies or celebratory brownies.  So sweet of them...

I debated on whether or not I would answer the call when it came.  I feel such guilt at the thought of answering it in the middle of class, but the girls I work with insisted I must do it....so I decided I would. 

At about 11:30 I saw the number come up on my phone.  I had been watching that phone like a hawk all day.  I grabbed it, told my kids to work quietly, and retreated to my desk area.  My heart just sank...

I answered and it was Maria...not the doctor.  I quickly said, "Maria, I am at work and I am in the middle of teaching, so I can't talk long, but I HAVE to know the results."  To which she responded, "Honey, it worked.  You are scheduled for IVF in January.  I sent all of your meds to the pharmacy.  Start them today, and call me when you are done teaching."

I started jumping up and down, and ran into the pod...threw my hands up and said to my team, "it worked!!!!!"  I was given BIG hugs, and luckily lunch was only 20 minutes later...cuz I was a useless teacher for those next 20 minutes.

I called and texted everyone I love at lunch.  I was so happy.  I am still so happy.

I might not get pregnant with IVF in January.  I know that.  But this is so much closer than I have ever been.  I am just so happy to be here.  I am so, so elated.

I am SO HAPPY!

It's the gown...

Today I had another procedure.  I had a hysteroscopy paired with a hysterosalpingogram.  Those are just fancy words that basically mean I had my uterus sized, mapped, and measured, and I also had dye injected into my fallopian tubes to make sure they are "all clear."

I like to psyche myself out before I go.  I try really hard to not be nervous.  I usually do a good job until I get there.  I know this sounds weird, but I have a really hard time putting on the gown, hat, booties, etc.  I get really anxious and emotional.  I guess I just start to remember all the bad news I get whenever I put all that stuff on. 

When I got to the office I tried to keep myself occupied by texting my friends.  It helps keep my mind off of it when I am sitting in there alone waiting to be taken into the operating room. 

This is me taking pictures of myself because it felt like I was waiting forever...

I was trying to stay positive and smile.

I did okay for the most part.  Once I got into the operating room I started to have a mild anxiety attack.  I wasn't so much worried about the procedure, but rather being back in that room.  I just remember the last time I was there they told me I had the septum.  That was a really hard day.

Then, as if I am not nervous enough...they strap your legs down with Velcro and pin your hands under blankets.  So...you know...it's super liberating. ;)

As soon as my doctor came in he told me that I would get the results of the biopsy tmr.  That made me more nervous.  You plan, and you anticipate, and you hope so much.  And then just one phone call can decide everything.

I had the procedure, and it was uncomfortable.  I have a tilted uterus...and clear fallopian tubes. 

That's good news.  That made me happy.  So, why then did I cry on my way home?

I think it's the gown.  Something about the stupid gown.  When I was taking it all off I just started to feel so emotional.  I think the gown, for me, symbolizes vulnerability...and hope.

I'm scared for tmr.  I'm scared that the phone call will bring bad news.  I'm worried that this could be another road block in my journey. 

Mostly...I'm afraid I am fighting a losing battle... 

That's kinda weird...

So last night, David and I had to fill out out paperwork for IVF...assuming we do it in January.  They needed all the paperwork ready just in case.

I took some pictures...cuz that's what I do.  I document.  I like to look back. 

Here is a picture of David filling out some of the forms.

This next picture I had to take because it was so weird.  Read the paperwork.  It is soooo weird.  Haha

Love/Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas.  I love it.  I hate it.  I love it because it reminds me to be thankful...it gives me a reason to spend time with the people I love...it reminds me to tell people how much I love them.  There is just so much magic in the air.  I feel like I love people more during the holidays.  Well, maybe not that I love them more, but...I dunno.  It's just better.

One thing I hate is that sometimes it's hard and it makes me sad. 

I haven't decorated in a few years, but this year I made myself.  I didn't go crazy, but it's Christmas-ie in my house...so that's a step in the right direction. 

"You're back!"

I came home last night from dinner with a friend, and when I walked into my house I was cold.  David had been home for a few hours by this time, and when I had initially walked in, I though "how does he deal with being so cold?"  I proceeded to go into my room, even before stopping into his office and seeing him, to go change.  I put on my sweats, socks, and a sweater.  As I walked out, I hit the thermostat up 3 degrees.  I was literally shivering.  I grabbed my blanket and wrapped it around myself, walked in, kissed my husband, and then bundled myself on the couch. 

After a few minutes I was warm.  I was so happy and content.  As soon as this happened, David came walking out of his office.  He was laughing.  "Are you a little cold?" he asked.  "Not anymore!" I responded.  He walked over to the thermostat and said, "you turned this up didn't you?"  Smiling, I responded, "There's a good chance I may have."  He started to laugh, "It is 78 degrees in here!  It is so hot!"  He was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, mind you.  "My wife is back!" he chuckled.

You see...I am always cold.  In life, I always want to be warm.  I drive in my car with the heater full blast, and I never turn it off.  David calls my car hell, because it's "hot as hell in there," when I am driving by myself.  (I try not to do it when  have others with me because I like to be accommodating)  I think the reason I abuse the heat so much is because as a child I was always cold at my house.  We were never allowed to use the heater.  I remember not wanting to get out of my bed to go to school because I knew I was going to be so freezing cold.  So, now that I am a grown-up, I abuse the heater in all forms. 

Now, this is all funny because when I am on my fertility medication it makes me menopausal.  I get so hot.  There was a day a couple of weeks ago when I was so hot that I stripped down to my underwear and a tank top to go to bed.  I could not sleep I was so uncomfortably hot.  After trying to sleep with no luck, I opened all the windows in the bedroom, and went out into the living room to turn off the heater.  I wanted to make sure NO heat would enter my house.  I laid back down and about 30 minutes later I STILL could not sleep.  I called David's cell.  YES!  ...I am lazy.  He was in his office, and I was in my bedroom.  Whatever.  I was tired, don't judge me. 

I asked him to turn on the air conditioner.  David came walking into the bedroom and asked me if I was hot.  "Yes.  And I cannot sleep!" I complained.  "It's 65 degrees in the house.  I am really cold," he said, "can we please not turn on the air?"

I married a saint.  I did.  He is wonderful.  He was in sweats and so cold, but wasn't going to say anything until I wanted to turn on the air.  I felt so bad.  I ended up falling asleep without turning on the air.  I closed the windows too.  

I am such a lucky wife.  I don't deserve him, but I'm glad I have him.

It's quite obvious I am not taking fertility meds currently...

Uterine Biopsy #2

Sooo...My second uterine biopsy was Friday.

Let's go all the way back to Thursday night to start though...Thursday night was fun.  It was my last shot.  I have been taking these shots for 3 months.  I had been waiting for the day that I would be taking my last shot.  I was like a giddy child.  All I could think was..."no more bleeding...no more poking...no more bruises...no more panic attacks...no more painful walking.  No more. No more. NO MORE!!!"  eeeeeeekkkk! :)

Then after I was done with my shot, I celebrated.  And then of course, like a baby and true to form, I started to get really nervous for the biopsy the following morning.  I did pretty well though.  But I will say, and I say this everytime, so I will obviously never learn, I really shouldn't go alone...and here is why!

I woke up Friday morning, and when I say I woke up, what I mean is that I was able to sleep in because I took the day off.  My appointment was at 11:00 a.m.  So I ended up taking off the whole day.

I woke up and got ready.  I had sweet friends that wished me luck, and it made me feel so loved.  It means the world to me.  Kate called me to wish me off, and we chatted as I was getting ready to hit the road.  But then...as Kate and I were talking this happened:

Samm: "wait. stop. crap.  I can't find my meds.  I am supposed to take 800 milligrams of Motrin and hour before.  Where are my meds?  Kate, I have the meds.  Where are they?  I bought Motrin last time."

Kate:  "Are you looking?"

Samm: "Yes"  (meanwhile I am frantically throwing meds out of the medicine cabinet, finding nothing)  "I can't find them.  It's 10.  I am going to be late.  Ugggggg"

Kate:  "Take Advil.  I think it's the same."

Then I think I said a bad word or two...

Samm: "Ugh.  I am so dumb!  I will just stop by the store on the way."

Kate:  "Okay.  But I think it's the same."

So...we begin to talk again.  I get in my car.

Samm:  I probably said another bad word at this point because I just realized at this moment that I can't find my keys.  "Errrrrgh!!!!!!!!  Where are my keys?!?"

Kate:  "I dunno?"

Samm:  "I have to go.  I can't find my keys.  I've lost my mind."

At this point I am now late.  It's 10:15 and I should have left by 10 and taken my meds by then too.

So, I got to the grocery store. 

Kate was right.  I asked the pharmacist.  Motrin and Advil are the same.  I quickly grab the pills, and head for something to drink so I can wash it down.  Because I am a genius, I decide I will wash it down with soda because it is 10:30 now which means I am 30 minutes late taking my meds.  Soda will break down the meds faster, right?  Cuz it has a high Ph balance.  No, bad logic, but why not?  I like soda so I tell myself that.  See...Genius!

As I open the refrigerator door, 4 sodas fly out, hit the ground and bust open...all over me...and all over the floor.  I am late.  Really late.   ...but I can't just leave the mess there for the lady to clean up.  That's so inconsiderate.  So what do I do?  I help clean up.  Now I am really late.

I pay and run out.

I get in my car.  Open pills, throw 4 pills in my mouth (they are each 200 milligrams), down some soda, turn on car, and I'm off...

I get on the freeway going way too fast.  And then it hits me.  (And that's when I begin to talk to myself.  Here is the conversation I have with myself)  Was I supposed to take 800 milligrams?  Is that what the doctor said?  Maybe it was 400.  Crap.  Did I just take way too many?  Wait.  Could this be really bad, or just maybe an oops?  You can't over dose on Advil, can you?  YES, STUPID, of course you can.  Of course.  It's medicine.  But 800 milligrams isn't that much...right?  Box says do not exceed 6 pills per day.  I just took 4.  Crap.  Do I need to throw this up?  Call aunt.

Aunt:  "Hello?"

Samm: "Please tell me 800 milligrams is not a lot of Advil to take in one sitting." 

Aunt: "No.  It's not.  Uncle Rick takes that much sometimes."

Samm:  "Oh, good...cuz I just did that.  I am late."

Aunt:  "Wait.  What were you planning to do if I said that was too much Advil to take?"

Samm:  "Turn around and to go to get my stomach pumped. Haha."

Then we talked or a minute and she made fun of me....

I drove really fast and made it on time.  I do not know HOW I made it.

When I got there I did the usual: blood test, blood pressure, etc...and then disrobed.  So fun.  I am always being violated.


The nurse asked me if I was excited. She has a sense of humor.  My nurse then reminds me that because I brought no one with me I am not allowed to have the good meds.  ( I have to have another driver to drive me)  Gee.  Thanks for rubbing it in.  I think next time I will just pay the bum outside to walk in with me.  Haha.  Could you imagine?  "Ya...he's my ride."

Doctor comes in.

Samm:  "Hey Doctor Pain."

Doctor:  "What?  No fair.  Have I hurt you yet?"

Samm:  "No, but you are going to.  Razors typically suck."

Doctor:  "Who did this last time?"

Samm: "Nurse Joan."

Doctor:  "I'm better."

Samm:  "Oh.  Doctor Modesty."  ( I laugh...he does too)

Doctor:  "Want your early Christmas gift?"

Samm: "Uhhhh, yes."

Doctor:  "Okay." :)

Okay...so seriously...he is awesome.  He is so good.  Pretty much best at his job in the world, I think.  I'm sorry, but if you can make me laugh while you are inflicting serious pain...you just win some kind of award.

So he says..."let's count down from 10 together and all the pain will be gone."

"10...(me) it freaking hurts..."

"9...(me) I might say a bad word..."

"8...(doctor) I'll forgive you..."

"7...(me) This really sucks."

"6...(nurse) It will all be worth it..."

"5 (me) ...-4-3-2-1..."

"4 (doctor)...hahaha..."

"3..."

"2..."

"1..."

Doctor:  See that wasn't so bad was it?"

Samm:  "It freaking sucked."

Doctor:  "But not as bad as last time, right?"

Samm:  "No.  You win.  But it still sucked."

Doctor:  "Those were contractions.  You just had contractions.  That's what happens when you are in labor.

Samm:  "Get away from me.  I changed my mind.  No babies for me."

Then he took me in his office.  He asked me when I wanted to do IVF.  I told him as soon as possible.   He said what about January.  I said "yes, please!"

SO he scheduled me.  He scheduled me for IVF in January.  "But what about the biopsy?" I asked.  "The chances of it coming back bad are low."  "So, we are planning for January, then?  I mean unless it's bad?" I ask.  "Yup," he says.

He then tells Maria to order my meds.

"We're doing this?"  I say.

He smiles.  "Yup."

...we're doing this...unless the results are bad.

I'm excited.  But I am also really nervous about the results.  I typically get bad news...

My hopes are officially up.

If it works...baby in late September... (See...my hopes are up.  I shouldn't even know that).