I am a wussy. My shots are really starting to get to me. Lately I have been having panic attacks each time I have to take one...which is every day...and sometimes twice a day.
I feel so stupid. Here I am whimping out about my shots...and people have cancer.
I'm so dumb.
...but just because I plan on keeping all of these entries, I will say this...
They hurt really bad. At night it is hard to sleep because laying on my back is almost impossible. I am in pain. It's hard to explain. The best example that I can come up with is...it's like you worked out your back really hard and there is a ton of lactic acid in there. It hurts to even walk, or move hastily. Even just blankets touching my skin hurt.
I know I am a wuss, and don't make fun of me because I am a big baby.
5 more days...I just can't wait.
But I will say this...if it doesn't work, I need a break. A big, long break from all of this. My body hurts.
Hurry up November 30th.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thankful for Infertility.
Today is Thanksgiving, so I am going to go out on a limb here and say something that sounds a little crazy.
Today I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for my husband, my family, my friends, my job, and all the wonderful things in my life. I am also thankful for my infertility. I get that that sounds weird. I am thankful that one day I will cherish my children an extra amount because it will have been so hard to get them there.
Fertility is hard, but I am also thankful I am not going through it alone. I have so many people who love me, and who listen to me, some who understand, and others who do their best to. For those who share their stories, give their advice, and help to guide me...
I am also thankful for my doctors and nurses who remember my name, my procedures, know my sadness, my fight, my failed attempts...
I am thankful that I get a chance at this. I know not everyone is as lucky as me. I know that this new technology that I am receiving has not always been around, and that people before me didn't have the opportunities I have.
I am thankful.
Today I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for my husband, my family, my friends, my job, and all the wonderful things in my life. I am also thankful for my infertility. I get that that sounds weird. I am thankful that one day I will cherish my children an extra amount because it will have been so hard to get them there.
Fertility is hard, but I am also thankful I am not going through it alone. I have so many people who love me, and who listen to me, some who understand, and others who do their best to. For those who share their stories, give their advice, and help to guide me...
I am also thankful for my doctors and nurses who remember my name, my procedures, know my sadness, my fight, my failed attempts...
I am thankful that I get a chance at this. I know not everyone is as lucky as me. I know that this new technology that I am receiving has not always been around, and that people before me didn't have the opportunities I have.
I am thankful.
Happy Hips :)
When I went to my doctors appointment on Monday, I explained to one of my nurses, Beth, that the injections were really starting to hurt. I told her that I knew there was probably not a way around it, but wanted to know if she had any suggestions on how to minimize the pain and bruising.
She asked to look at my injection site. She saw my bruise and then let me know that it may help to have David inject where there is more muscle. So...she took a Sharpie while we were talking and drew happy faces where David should be injecting. So now I have 2 huge smiley faces on my hips. Haha!
Luckily it isn't bikini season. How stupid would I look in a bathing suit? :)
She asked to look at my injection site. She saw my bruise and then let me know that it may help to have David inject where there is more muscle. So...she took a Sharpie while we were talking and drew happy faces where David should be injecting. So now I have 2 huge smiley faces on my hips. Haha!
Luckily it isn't bikini season. How stupid would I look in a bathing suit? :)
You can see the bruises I am getting to the left of my right smiley face. She said we were going in too close to the center. I now how double injections...since we are making our way to biopsy day (Nov. 30th). I will be getting double injections from now until then. This is the crappiest part...BUT the crappy part means we are nearing the end. :)
Monday, November 19, 2012
One Day.
It's the Holiday season...so, of course, there will be "magic" in the air. That means department stores, and playing Christmas music, and Black Friday sales are pleniful. It also means, everywhere I go, I am reminded of little children. When I walked into the store the other day, I thought to myself...
One day I want a reason to buy one of these. I want little children in my front yard driving around one of these and laughing and giggling. I want to sit on my front porch with my husband, and some good friends, while we watch little children drive one of these around.
That's a little dream I have.
One day I want a reason to buy one of these. I want little children in my front yard driving around one of these and laughing and giggling. I want to sit on my front porch with my husband, and some good friends, while we watch little children drive one of these around.
That's a little dream I have.
Fortune.
David and I went out on a date night, Saturday night, to P.F. Chang's. While we were there we talked about fertility and all it entailed. We talked about whether or not we thought this next procedure in January would work, and what we thought the future would hold for us. And then, like we always do, we grabbed our fortune cookies when the waiter brought them to us. We always kinda smile at each other, like perhaps, maybe the fortune inside could tell us all we ever wanted to know about our futures. He opened his first. He got the crap one (someone ALWAYS gets the crap one). He was supposed to enter the entertainment industry. We both laughed. It was my turn. As I broke the cookie apart we both smiled. I opened the small paper inside, and this is what I saw:
Of course we all know what I'd like for the adventure to be. David and I both smiled. It was ironic that we had just spent our dinner discussing this. So, I took the paper, and I stuck it in my wallet. I guess we'll see if a cookie can actually tell the future...
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Small battle won!
:) :) :)
I'll start with those happy faces...cuz I am so happy. Driving down the freeway singing and clapping like a stupid seal happy.
Today, I had my first ultra sound in 3 months. This was the first time I saw my doctor since my Summer devastation call. We have talked on the phone many times since then, but this was my first time back to the office...mostly because everything I have been doing is all just prepping for these next 2 months to come.
I went in, did the usual...blood test...pee...then the ultra sound came.
Side note: I swear these people are trained to deal with infertility patients. They are perfect. I swear they read from a script. They are THAT good! It probably helps that a majority of the staff have had infertility problems themselves.
There is just something to it. There is a special bond you have with a person who has struggled with infertility. It's like an unspoken love and understanding. It's a club no one wants to belong to, but it's kind of a special club, as bizarre as it sounds. Maybe I am the only weirdo that feels that way, but I do.
When it was time for the ultra sound, Dr. Diaz came in and did his thing. He told me that my uterine lining looked great. "Textbook!" he said. He then said, "So, perfect I [he] could hang a picture of my uterine lining on his wall."
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh baby!!!
10.1 was my number!!! (which really means nothing to me, but he said it was good and he is the expert)
I don't wanna brag, but dannnngggg my uterine lining is lookin' gooooood!
So, we scheduled. November 29th or 30th is the biopsy day. Still working out the details with my work situation. That's the day my uterus will be razored...and THAT'S the procedure that will tell me if I get to do IVF in January.
...and if it all goes according to plan...we are looking at the end of September 2013 for a baby. Hopefully in September 2013 it will be my turn!!!
...and so now I pray. Pray. PRAY!
I'll start with those happy faces...cuz I am so happy. Driving down the freeway singing and clapping like a stupid seal happy.
Today, I had my first ultra sound in 3 months. This was the first time I saw my doctor since my Summer devastation call. We have talked on the phone many times since then, but this was my first time back to the office...mostly because everything I have been doing is all just prepping for these next 2 months to come.
I went in, did the usual...blood test...pee...then the ultra sound came.
Side note: I swear these people are trained to deal with infertility patients. They are perfect. I swear they read from a script. They are THAT good! It probably helps that a majority of the staff have had infertility problems themselves.
There is just something to it. There is a special bond you have with a person who has struggled with infertility. It's like an unspoken love and understanding. It's a club no one wants to belong to, but it's kind of a special club, as bizarre as it sounds. Maybe I am the only weirdo that feels that way, but I do.
When it was time for the ultra sound, Dr. Diaz came in and did his thing. He told me that my uterine lining looked great. "Textbook!" he said. He then said, "So, perfect I [he] could hang a picture of my uterine lining on his wall."
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh baby!!!
10.1 was my number!!! (which really means nothing to me, but he said it was good and he is the expert)
I don't wanna brag, but dannnngggg my uterine lining is lookin' gooooood!
So, we scheduled. November 29th or 30th is the biopsy day. Still working out the details with my work situation. That's the day my uterus will be razored...and THAT'S the procedure that will tell me if I get to do IVF in January.
...and if it all goes according to plan...we are looking at the end of September 2013 for a baby. Hopefully in September 2013 it will be my turn!!!
...and so now I pray. Pray. PRAY!
Doctor: 0 Patient: 1
That's right ladies and gentlemen. This, here, patient was right. :) AND that means the doctor was WRONG! ...well, the first doctor I went to at least.
In my earlier posts I had mentioned that I had been having bladder problems. I thought I had a bladder infection. So...I went to urgent care. Homegirl over at urgent care basically made me feel like a moron, telling me that the fertility injecitions I am taking were not correlated to my bladder problems.
...mind you...my bladder has always worked just fine up until then.
So, she told me that she thought I was fine, and I had to wait to get antibiotics until the culture came back. "No." That's what I told her. Okay...I am a freaking TEACHER. I can't pee at my leisure. All you office people...you take that shit for granted. I have 20 wee ones sitting there waiting to hit someone, stab themselves with a pencil, etc. I can't just pee. I have to wait until I have a break in my day.
So, therefore, I cannot just wait for my culture to come back. I told homegirl I needed drugs. Girl needed to work it out. Get one of those fancy papers she has and write something on it.
So, she then warned me that taking antibiotics would be bad if I didn't have an infection...blah blah...resistence...blah blah blah.
Whatever.
I swear. She treated the antibiotics like I was a crack whore. I'm not asking for a life time supply of Vicodin.
Ya...I'm just really into taking antibiotics. Haha.
So...she gave me some stupid antibiotic...WHICH she had to call me and end up changing, once my culture came back with and obvious infection. "What was that? You need to give me a better antibiotic because it was worse than you thought? What? Amoxicillian? Really? WOW! Humm...maybe I wasn't just a pansy, after all, when I told you my urethra had turned into a volcano spewing lava urine. Thank you, bye!"
SO, I got my new drugs. Cool.
Then, I went off my injections (I do that for a week while I am on my period) and all was well with the world.
November 6th...start injections again. FIRE IN THE HOLE!!! Oh, but she said they are not correlated. Whatev.
Call urgent care. You have to come back they say.
So I spend my Tuesday night in Urgent Care...and that's where I meet him. My current best friend. The Indian man that actually studied in Med School. Hallelujah!!!
I tell him my issues. "Who told you your fertility medication and bladder problems were not correlated?" he says. "Because they are wrong." Oh, SNAP! Homeboy just called his collegue out! Dayyyyyyyuuummmm!!!!
So...the rest of the story? I have 3 new antibiotics. I had a urinary tract infection. Never got fixed with the other meds. He gave an extra med to get rid of all the other crap in my system.
Trust your gut! Homegirl be cray-cray!
In my earlier posts I had mentioned that I had been having bladder problems. I thought I had a bladder infection. So...I went to urgent care. Homegirl over at urgent care basically made me feel like a moron, telling me that the fertility injecitions I am taking were not correlated to my bladder problems.
...mind you...my bladder has always worked just fine up until then.
So, she told me that she thought I was fine, and I had to wait to get antibiotics until the culture came back. "No." That's what I told her. Okay...I am a freaking TEACHER. I can't pee at my leisure. All you office people...you take that shit for granted. I have 20 wee ones sitting there waiting to hit someone, stab themselves with a pencil, etc. I can't just pee. I have to wait until I have a break in my day.
So, therefore, I cannot just wait for my culture to come back. I told homegirl I needed drugs. Girl needed to work it out. Get one of those fancy papers she has and write something on it.
So, she then warned me that taking antibiotics would be bad if I didn't have an infection...blah blah...resistence...blah blah blah.
Whatever.
I swear. She treated the antibiotics like I was a crack whore. I'm not asking for a life time supply of Vicodin.
Ya...I'm just really into taking antibiotics. Haha.
So...she gave me some stupid antibiotic...WHICH she had to call me and end up changing, once my culture came back with and obvious infection. "What was that? You need to give me a better antibiotic because it was worse than you thought? What? Amoxicillian? Really? WOW! Humm...maybe I wasn't just a pansy, after all, when I told you my urethra had turned into a volcano spewing lava urine. Thank you, bye!"
SO, I got my new drugs. Cool.
Then, I went off my injections (I do that for a week while I am on my period) and all was well with the world.
November 6th...start injections again. FIRE IN THE HOLE!!! Oh, but she said they are not correlated. Whatev.
Call urgent care. You have to come back they say.
So I spend my Tuesday night in Urgent Care...and that's where I meet him. My current best friend. The Indian man that actually studied in Med School. Hallelujah!!!
I tell him my issues. "Who told you your fertility medication and bladder problems were not correlated?" he says. "Because they are wrong." Oh, SNAP! Homeboy just called his collegue out! Dayyyyyyyuuummmm!!!!
So...the rest of the story? I have 3 new antibiotics. I had a urinary tract infection. Never got fixed with the other meds. He gave an extra med to get rid of all the other crap in my system.
Trust your gut! Homegirl be cray-cray!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Doctor knows best...
Sigh.
...and doctor says my bladder problems/ infections are not correlated to my meds-even though I get them every time I am on my meds/injections. I don't believe him. I know he is the expert though...
BUT...I never have bladder problems/ infections when I am NOT on my fertility meds. So, doctor...riddle me THAT! :)
Countdown to the end of uterine line building meds...less than one month! :)
...and doctor says my bladder problems/ infections are not correlated to my meds-even though I get them every time I am on my meds/injections. I don't believe him. I know he is the expert though...
BUT...I never have bladder problems/ infections when I am NOT on my fertility meds. So, doctor...riddle me THAT! :)
Countdown to the end of uterine line building meds...less than one month! :)
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Crack Hips
My hips look like I am a crack whore who doesn't know where her drugs go. I have like 40 little scabs on each of the backs of my hips from where I get my injections. It looks so funny. They itch quite a bit. I've learned that if you go in the shower and turn it on super hot, you get relief. Ahhhhh! So funny the silly little things...
...an itchy back. People at work probably think I scratch my ass a lot. haha.
...an itchy back. People at work probably think I scratch my ass a lot. haha.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Month 2...COMPLETE!!!! :)
Yipee!!! Month 2 has come to an end. I just received my very last injection for this month. That means only 1 more month of injections. Month 3 is the worst month, though...you have to have double the injections, so it sucks. Right now I am only focused on the positive...I don't have to have another injection for a WHOLE week!!! :) ..and when you get them daily...THAT'S a big deal!!! I SO HAPPY!!!
I talked to my fertility case holder the other day while ordering more medicine. I am starting to get nervous about my biopsy. I have been in the process of this biopsy since JULY! Planning...injecting...all in anticipation that it will work. I was just told recently that my biopsy will take place in late November. They base the date on all of the preparations...so I just got my date the other day. (P.S. Anyone wanna drive me there and back so I can have the SUPER good drugs? Razoring your uterus=not fun!) Since the biopsy takes place in late November, my case holder told me I will get my results 2 or 3 weeks into December.
Oh. JOY. I thought to myself. CHRISTMAS?
So...I'm going to get the results days before Christmas? I think that's terrible timing. When I said that over the phone she told me it was just coincidence, and that, obviously I cannot plan for this. It's all up to my body...and my body has hated me thus far...sooo...the thought of a Christmas phone call frightens me?
She also told me that this has ALWAYS worked...which I am not sure is good or bad to hear.
You see...I've been preparing myself for the absolute worse. I have contemplated adoption, etc. if this all doesn't pan out. I kept telling myself "this probably won't work." ...you know...my motto in life...start off depressed and then everything is a pleasant surprise. I know it sounds pessimistic, but it works. So, don't knock it.
I'm not having a pity party. I just preparing myself. I can't get my hopes up. I just can't.
Then, the other day, she said "this ALWAYS works." And at that moment she doomed me. Not on purpose, but she did. Because I felt myself get my hopes up. I did.
I called my friend, and my husband. Operation "don't get your hopes up."- FAILURE!
I told her on the phone, "Maria, I am the exception to EVERY rule. You know that!" She laughed. She said..."Don't think that way. It's gonna work this time."
See...I told you...FAILURE!
I am officially vulnerable. Keeping it cool has vanished. I am both anticipating and dreading Christmas.
Christmas 2012 could either be reaaallll good, or absolutely devastating for me...and it's just messing me up right now.
Okay...but on a funny note...these meds make me more assertive than usual...which has entertained my husband quite a bit lately...especially when we're at his family birthday dinner and I've had quite enough of political bashing and Fox 11 news reruns from the mouths of my in-laws...most notably my in-laws bashing my every belief at the dinner table...and my mother-in-law...telling me I am pro-abortion (which, is a fallacy, mind you...I don't know anyone who is pro-abortion)...AND all of this AT A BIRTHDAY DINNER, no less. ...and when I'd usually just sit there and ignore it. ...but this time, I just kinda snapped, and the next minute it's silent...and now I'm just sitting there with an eyebrow raised...oops. :) So, was it 8 years of dealing with all of this bullshit or my meds? Guess we'll never know... ;)
I also look like a fattie. Thank you hormones. :)
You gotta laugh...laughter is all we've got. You laugh or you cry...for now, I laugh.
So, pray for me. Maybe not prayers that this will all work. Maybe it's not meant to be...although, if I was REALLY all about listening to God, I suppose I wouldn't be intervening like I am.
Maybe just pray that I will be happy no matter what happens. That I will find my happiness. That I will be okay. That's what I need from you, friends.
I love you guys. Thanks for being there.
I talked to my fertility case holder the other day while ordering more medicine. I am starting to get nervous about my biopsy. I have been in the process of this biopsy since JULY! Planning...injecting...all in anticipation that it will work. I was just told recently that my biopsy will take place in late November. They base the date on all of the preparations...so I just got my date the other day. (P.S. Anyone wanna drive me there and back so I can have the SUPER good drugs? Razoring your uterus=not fun!) Since the biopsy takes place in late November, my case holder told me I will get my results 2 or 3 weeks into December.
Oh. JOY. I thought to myself. CHRISTMAS?
So...I'm going to get the results days before Christmas? I think that's terrible timing. When I said that over the phone she told me it was just coincidence, and that, obviously I cannot plan for this. It's all up to my body...and my body has hated me thus far...sooo...the thought of a Christmas phone call frightens me?
She also told me that this has ALWAYS worked...which I am not sure is good or bad to hear.
You see...I've been preparing myself for the absolute worse. I have contemplated adoption, etc. if this all doesn't pan out. I kept telling myself "this probably won't work." ...you know...my motto in life...start off depressed and then everything is a pleasant surprise. I know it sounds pessimistic, but it works. So, don't knock it.
I'm not having a pity party. I just preparing myself. I can't get my hopes up. I just can't.
Then, the other day, she said "this ALWAYS works." And at that moment she doomed me. Not on purpose, but she did. Because I felt myself get my hopes up. I did.
I called my friend, and my husband. Operation "don't get your hopes up."- FAILURE!
I told her on the phone, "Maria, I am the exception to EVERY rule. You know that!" She laughed. She said..."Don't think that way. It's gonna work this time."
See...I told you...FAILURE!
I am officially vulnerable. Keeping it cool has vanished. I am both anticipating and dreading Christmas.
Christmas 2012 could either be reaaallll good, or absolutely devastating for me...and it's just messing me up right now.
Okay...but on a funny note...these meds make me more assertive than usual...which has entertained my husband quite a bit lately...especially when we're at his family birthday dinner and I've had quite enough of political bashing and Fox 11 news reruns from the mouths of my in-laws...most notably my in-laws bashing my every belief at the dinner table...and my mother-in-law...telling me I am pro-abortion (which, is a fallacy, mind you...I don't know anyone who is pro-abortion)...AND all of this AT A BIRTHDAY DINNER, no less. ...and when I'd usually just sit there and ignore it. ...but this time, I just kinda snapped, and the next minute it's silent...and now I'm just sitting there with an eyebrow raised...oops. :) So, was it 8 years of dealing with all of this bullshit or my meds? Guess we'll never know... ;)
I also look like a fattie. Thank you hormones. :)
You gotta laugh...laughter is all we've got. You laugh or you cry...for now, I laugh.
So, pray for me. Maybe not prayers that this will all work. Maybe it's not meant to be...although, if I was REALLY all about listening to God, I suppose I wouldn't be intervening like I am.
Maybe just pray that I will be happy no matter what happens. That I will find my happiness. That I will be okay. That's what I need from you, friends.
I love you guys. Thanks for being there.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
The going ons...
So. Just thought I would update. Currently I am in the midst of my latest biopsy session. This time it's a 3-month"er." I have been on injections for the past 6 weeks. That means I am half way there. Yay! :) I am scheduled to have the actually biopsy done at the end of November.
I'm still not able to get used to the meds, and how they make me feel. I'm quite irritable, moody, and even more sensitive than normal...but, of course, I tell myself daily-if it works it will allllll be worth it.
I guess that's it. That's what's going on.
I'm still not able to get used to the meds, and how they make me feel. I'm quite irritable, moody, and even more sensitive than normal...but, of course, I tell myself daily-if it works it will allllll be worth it.
I guess that's it. That's what's going on.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Yay!
David left this paperwork for me to look at when I woke up this morning. It's our new insurance coverage. He read the fine print last night. :)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Lately.
I've been playing the waiting game lately. We wanted to start our next round of fertility meds, but I had to wait for my period to start. Unfortunately, this time, like many other times, my period is very late. Why? Because my body likes to get pregnant and miscarry. Every 6 months or so, I get pregnant, and end up miscarrying. That happened this cycle. It has been such an awful month in so many ways. I'll spare you all the details, but it's been incredibly heartbreaking for me (non fertility realated).
I found myself wanting to hurry up and miscarry so that I could get on with this process. Of course, it finally happened this weekend. It sucks, but I'm getting used to it. Is that weird? Probably.
Tonight David and I went to his best friend's son's 2nd birthday party. It's amazing how fast these kids grow up. It was sad for me. Everyone had children...everyone BUT us. I feel like such a "Debbie downer." I've been sad a lot. I don't want to be that person. I just feel really tired. I'm just really sad a lot.
Anyway, David's best friend's step dad came up to us and looked David square in the eye and said, "when are you guys gonna finally have a kid." AWKWARD!!! David just looked at him and said, "we're working on it." Even more AWKWARD! :/ He just sunk. You could tell at that moment he realized what he had said. He just looked at David and said back, "I'm so sorry. I dunno what I was thinking. It just came out."
I felt so bad for him. How uncomfortable for him. I asked David why he said that. He just said he was tired of people asking and that he is just ready to be honest from now on.
...this should be interesting.
I found myself wanting to hurry up and miscarry so that I could get on with this process. Of course, it finally happened this weekend. It sucks, but I'm getting used to it. Is that weird? Probably.
Tonight David and I went to his best friend's son's 2nd birthday party. It's amazing how fast these kids grow up. It was sad for me. Everyone had children...everyone BUT us. I feel like such a "Debbie downer." I've been sad a lot. I don't want to be that person. I just feel really tired. I'm just really sad a lot.
Anyway, David's best friend's step dad came up to us and looked David square in the eye and said, "when are you guys gonna finally have a kid." AWKWARD!!! David just looked at him and said, "we're working on it." Even more AWKWARD! :/ He just sunk. You could tell at that moment he realized what he had said. He just looked at David and said back, "I'm so sorry. I dunno what I was thinking. It just came out."
I felt so bad for him. How uncomfortable for him. I asked David why he said that. He just said he was tired of people asking and that he is just ready to be honest from now on.
...this should be interesting.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Some things never get easier...
It's always hard to hear that someone you know is pregnant. Not because you aren't happy for them, but because it just reminds you of all the things you are going through. Today I found out that someone I know is pregnant. It's pretty common. I am at the age where this happens quite a bit. It just makes me a little bit sad.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Late night chat.
The other night one of my girlfriends stopped by. It was impromptu. I always think those types of visits are fun. She just popped in, and we kinda just started chatting. I try not to bring up my infertility a lot. Sometimes I want to talk about it, since it is such a huge part of my life, but I realize that it is kind of a depressing topic, AND I realize it isn't as important to everyone...like it has become to me. So, when my friend brought it up, I was surprised, but also a little comforted that it was "okay" to talk about it. It wasn't all that "deep," but it mattered...and it really stuck with me.
We talked about fertility...and what is socially acceptable about it. It's always a tricky thing. There's no real social norm for people dealing with infertility. How are we allowed to feel? What is okay? What isn't? I mean...we know that when someone dies, we are allowed to be sad. We are allowed to be devastated, even. It's okay to cry, and scream...and kick. I am not being funny. I know most of the time I crack jokes, but I am being serious. All of those things are okay to do, and all of these feelings are okay to feel.
When you lose someone in your life, it is okay to be angry, and sad...and go through the stages of grieving. Your family stays close, your friends are a phone call away, and people from work gather around to take care of you, and help to pick up the pieces. We know what you do when things like this happen. When someone is in the hospital, we send flowers, write cards, and visit.
THESE are all things we experience. These are social norms. So...what is the social norm for infertility? What do you do? What is acceptable? What's not? I think the answer is this:
I think infertility is a silent condition. It's something we deal with privately. It's something we don't talk about. It's something we don't share with a lot of people. I think people are allowed to grieve when someone dies because we ALL go through it...and it's a terrible thing. We can sympathize with each other because we know what it is like. If we haven't gone through it exactly, we have at least lost someone somewhat close to us, and are able to comprehend the sadness, disappointment, and anger.
Infertility is different. It's something no one can understand, unless they have felt the pain. You're not losing anyone, so some would argue that it isn't the same...that it doesn't constitute the same grievance. But it's painful. I promise you, it is. Because, at the end of the day, you have NO ONE to lose. And, I think never having that person to lose...is painful as well.
We talked about fertility...and what is socially acceptable about it. It's always a tricky thing. There's no real social norm for people dealing with infertility. How are we allowed to feel? What is okay? What isn't? I mean...we know that when someone dies, we are allowed to be sad. We are allowed to be devastated, even. It's okay to cry, and scream...and kick. I am not being funny. I know most of the time I crack jokes, but I am being serious. All of those things are okay to do, and all of these feelings are okay to feel.
When you lose someone in your life, it is okay to be angry, and sad...and go through the stages of grieving. Your family stays close, your friends are a phone call away, and people from work gather around to take care of you, and help to pick up the pieces. We know what you do when things like this happen. When someone is in the hospital, we send flowers, write cards, and visit.
THESE are all things we experience. These are social norms. So...what is the social norm for infertility? What do you do? What is acceptable? What's not? I think the answer is this:
I think infertility is a silent condition. It's something we deal with privately. It's something we don't talk about. It's something we don't share with a lot of people. I think people are allowed to grieve when someone dies because we ALL go through it...and it's a terrible thing. We can sympathize with each other because we know what it is like. If we haven't gone through it exactly, we have at least lost someone somewhat close to us, and are able to comprehend the sadness, disappointment, and anger.
Infertility is different. It's something no one can understand, unless they have felt the pain. You're not losing anyone, so some would argue that it isn't the same...that it doesn't constitute the same grievance. But it's painful. I promise you, it is. Because, at the end of the day, you have NO ONE to lose. And, I think never having that person to lose...is painful as well.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I just feel like writing...
This blog has become much more than an updating source for me. It has become somewhat therapudic. It's nice to just throw everything down in writing, and then just walk away. Yesterday I was cleaning and, of course, I found baby name books. We bought them when I got pregnant in 2007. That was my first pregnancy. I was 20 years old. I had been married only a few months. We were nervous, but excited. The baby would have been due October 11, 2007. I still remember. We went out and bought all kinds of books. We were suppose to hear the heart beat on Valentine's Day...obviously that never happened. Sometimes having an incredible memory is unfortunate. You remember EVERYTHING...even the sad and hurtful things. For awhile I just threw all the baby stuff in a box so I didn't have to look at it. I also got a few blankets and onesies from my excited friends that live in that hidden box.
It's all been tucked away for awhile now, but I came across it yesterday again. I guess that happens when you clean out your house. I thought about throwing them away. I really don't need them. Not that I don't want children anymore, but rather because I have had YEARS to pick names. Mine are all picked out...and they have been for awhile now. When I thought about throwing them out, something stopped me. I felt like throwing them out symbolized that I was done fighting...and I'm not. So, even though I don't need them...I kind of use them for my own personal drive.
I also found some papers on adoption a friend gave me a few years ago. I still have them. I find them from time to time. Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because that is my fate. Perhaps I am suppose to adopt. I'm not ready to accept that yet. Not that I have a problem with adoption. I promise you if you handed me a baby I would take care of it forever, and love it as much as humanly possible. It's just that I'm not willing to accept that I have a predetermined fate. I'd like to think that we have free agency on this Earth. That we get to make our own decisions. And I'm simply not willing to believe that God would deprive me of something like that purposfully.
Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if this doesn't work out in the end. Will I adopt? Or will I continue to do what I'm doing now...keep myself busy, so I don't have to deal with the sadness? I'm pretty sure I know the answer...I'll probably run.
It's all been tucked away for awhile now, but I came across it yesterday again. I guess that happens when you clean out your house. I thought about throwing them away. I really don't need them. Not that I don't want children anymore, but rather because I have had YEARS to pick names. Mine are all picked out...and they have been for awhile now. When I thought about throwing them out, something stopped me. I felt like throwing them out symbolized that I was done fighting...and I'm not. So, even though I don't need them...I kind of use them for my own personal drive.
I also found some papers on adoption a friend gave me a few years ago. I still have them. I find them from time to time. Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because that is my fate. Perhaps I am suppose to adopt. I'm not ready to accept that yet. Not that I have a problem with adoption. I promise you if you handed me a baby I would take care of it forever, and love it as much as humanly possible. It's just that I'm not willing to accept that I have a predetermined fate. I'd like to think that we have free agency on this Earth. That we get to make our own decisions. And I'm simply not willing to believe that God would deprive me of something like that purposfully.
Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if this doesn't work out in the end. Will I adopt? Or will I continue to do what I'm doing now...keep myself busy, so I don't have to deal with the sadness? I'm pretty sure I know the answer...I'll probably run.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
You've got mail...
I got my medication schedule in the mail today. La-de-freaking-da! This is what the next 3 months of my life is going to look like. See all of those boxes? Each one stands for a different medication I take. ...and they all get filled in...eventually. It's the road map. It's kind of funny, I guess. It's insane to think this is what it takes for me to even try to get pregnant.
Maybe this infertility isn't just because I am unlucky. Maybe it's just some weird version of natural selection. Haha. DO-NOT-REPRODUCE! ...and then here I am-not listening. Haha!
So, looks like this is my August-
Which means this is my September...
...and this is my October
Then...because I am lucky...I get to do another biopsy in November. Who doesn't love a razor to the uterus? Seriously? Why do I get to have all the fun? :)
Actually...it isn't the biopsy that sucks the most. You would think it is. BUT, actually it's the injections that are the worst. Each one isn't bad, but it's when you inject medication into the same place...over...and over again. THAT'S the truly shitty part. When your hips become inflamed and irritated. When you start to bleed each time you get an injection because underneath your skin you have developed a blood bruise between your muscle and your skin. When your underwear are full of blood...not because you are on your period, but because your hips are bleeding. Haha! That, ladies and gentlemen, is the part that sucks the most. AND...last time I only injected for a month...so the anticipation of injecting for 3 months is quite dreadful.
Oh, well...I'm keeping my eye on the prize.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Biopsy Dissapointment.
Dissapointment. Devastation. Sadness.
These are all things I have felt in the last few days.
I have been eagerly awaiting my uterine biopsy results for the past few weeks. I have called my doctors office a few times trying to get updates about the results. I had finally given up for the week when it was Friday evening and I had still heard NOTHING. I figured I would be waiting until Monday, at least.
I had been in Utah for the week, and left Saturday morning. I was sad. I am always sad when I have to leave. I anticipate that final hug at the airport, and it makes me sad to have to go so long without seeing my family again.
As the plane landed in Long Beach, I turned my phone on. To my surprise, I had a voicemail on my phone from the doctor's office. I was excited! I get to hear the results on a SATURDAY?! What luck...no waiting until Monday.
As I listened to the voicemail, the 4 year old little boy next to me (his name was Kaleb, I had learned as we became friends on our flight) was telling me all about the fun things he was going to be doing in California. For a brief second, I let myself have a weak moment. I imagined the possibility of having my own 4 year old. It would be so fun. That is a great age.
As I listened to the voicemail, all of my hope was silenced. Dr. Diaz informed me that the protein they were looking for was not at the level it needs to be. My uterine lining had only produced a 1 out of 4, and it needed to at least be at a 2. AND, I had been taking the stronger of the medications. Therefore, my body must need more, he said.
He stated that this meant the next step would be another biopsy. However this time it would be a 3 month process instead of 1 month.
My heart sank.
This meant no I.V.F. in September like I had been hoping. This meant no baby at the beginning of summer, so that it would work well with my work situation...
This meant I am still so far away...
Just writing about it gets me all choked up.
I tried to gather myself. "Keep yourself together," I thought as I exited the plane. I didn't want to lose it in public. As I held back the lump in my throat, I just tried to think of anything else...
When David got the the airport, he loaded my bags, and I just turned to him. I told him the news. He was just as shocked as I was. He really didn't think this was a possibility. We were just both in shock, and utter disbelief.
So, I just cried...the whole way home. Another barrier. Another road block.
I feel numb. I feel like a body. Just a body. I feel like I have no say in the way anything will turn out. Like I just give myself to my doctor...hoping he is right...hoping it will eventually work. I want to attach a sign to my emotionless body that says "please handle with care."
I feel completely vulnerable...
I talked to my doctor today. We talked about the next step. The 3 month biopsy. As the scheduling lady helped to finalize my meds, injections, and all that crap, I just listened. She kept asking me if I was there. "Yes, I am here," I would reply. "I'm so sorry, honey. I know this is not what you were hoping for."
I guess my dissapointment was palpable, even over the phone.
I just need to get away again...I need something to help me get this off of my mind. I have 3 weeks of nothing to do. I desperately need to find something.
These are all things I have felt in the last few days.
I have been eagerly awaiting my uterine biopsy results for the past few weeks. I have called my doctors office a few times trying to get updates about the results. I had finally given up for the week when it was Friday evening and I had still heard NOTHING. I figured I would be waiting until Monday, at least.
I had been in Utah for the week, and left Saturday morning. I was sad. I am always sad when I have to leave. I anticipate that final hug at the airport, and it makes me sad to have to go so long without seeing my family again.
As the plane landed in Long Beach, I turned my phone on. To my surprise, I had a voicemail on my phone from the doctor's office. I was excited! I get to hear the results on a SATURDAY?! What luck...no waiting until Monday.
As I listened to the voicemail, the 4 year old little boy next to me (his name was Kaleb, I had learned as we became friends on our flight) was telling me all about the fun things he was going to be doing in California. For a brief second, I let myself have a weak moment. I imagined the possibility of having my own 4 year old. It would be so fun. That is a great age.
As I listened to the voicemail, all of my hope was silenced. Dr. Diaz informed me that the protein they were looking for was not at the level it needs to be. My uterine lining had only produced a 1 out of 4, and it needed to at least be at a 2. AND, I had been taking the stronger of the medications. Therefore, my body must need more, he said.
He stated that this meant the next step would be another biopsy. However this time it would be a 3 month process instead of 1 month.
My heart sank.
This meant no I.V.F. in September like I had been hoping. This meant no baby at the beginning of summer, so that it would work well with my work situation...
This meant I am still so far away...
Just writing about it gets me all choked up.
I tried to gather myself. "Keep yourself together," I thought as I exited the plane. I didn't want to lose it in public. As I held back the lump in my throat, I just tried to think of anything else...
When David got the the airport, he loaded my bags, and I just turned to him. I told him the news. He was just as shocked as I was. He really didn't think this was a possibility. We were just both in shock, and utter disbelief.
So, I just cried...the whole way home. Another barrier. Another road block.
I feel numb. I feel like a body. Just a body. I feel like I have no say in the way anything will turn out. Like I just give myself to my doctor...hoping he is right...hoping it will eventually work. I want to attach a sign to my emotionless body that says "please handle with care."
I feel completely vulnerable...
I talked to my doctor today. We talked about the next step. The 3 month biopsy. As the scheduling lady helped to finalize my meds, injections, and all that crap, I just listened. She kept asking me if I was there. "Yes, I am here," I would reply. "I'm so sorry, honey. I know this is not what you were hoping for."
I guess my dissapointment was palpable, even over the phone.
I just need to get away again...I need something to help me get this off of my mind. I have 3 weeks of nothing to do. I desperately need to find something.
Dear Samantha,
This is a letter to yourself. So, that if in years from now you read it...you will be reminded:
DO NOT FORGET YOUR CHILD'S BIRTHDAY!!!
It will make them feel bad, and make them sad.
You should know...
DO NOT FORGET YOUR CHILD'S BIRTHDAY!!!
It will make them feel bad, and make them sad.
You should know...
Friday, June 29, 2012
Birthday.
It's my birthday...well, it will be in about 3 and a half hours. Oh...what to think, what to think...
I use to love birthdays...now they have just become a reminder that my life is nowhere near where I would like it to be. I always thought that by now I would be a professional...working full time as a teacher...and very established at a school. After all, I sped through college so I would be "on track" for my goals. By now, I thought I'd have 2 kids...with maybe the 3rd on the way...
Hahaha.
I'm far from my goals.
But, because it's no fun to be a "glass half full" kinda person, especially when you have so many wonderful things, I will say this:
I may not have the things I mentioned, but:
I have the perfect husband for me.
We may not have children, but I work with many amazing children and the make my heart so happy.
I may not have my "perfect" job, but if I would have reached my goals in the timeline I had hoped for, I would have never met many of the people I have...and my life wouldn't be the same.
So I guess it's how we look at it. Maybe I don't have everything I want...but I have a lot of great things, and I have a lot of great people in my life...and for THIS I am thankful...and I just can't be mad at God. Not when I think of all the people I love...
Here's to 26...may my life continue to be as blessed as it has been...and if this is the best it will ever get...then I can live with that...because I've got it pretty damn good! :)
I use to love birthdays...now they have just become a reminder that my life is nowhere near where I would like it to be. I always thought that by now I would be a professional...working full time as a teacher...and very established at a school. After all, I sped through college so I would be "on track" for my goals. By now, I thought I'd have 2 kids...with maybe the 3rd on the way...
Hahaha.
I'm far from my goals.
But, because it's no fun to be a "glass half full" kinda person, especially when you have so many wonderful things, I will say this:
I may not have the things I mentioned, but:
I have the perfect husband for me.
We may not have children, but I work with many amazing children and the make my heart so happy.
I may not have my "perfect" job, but if I would have reached my goals in the timeline I had hoped for, I would have never met many of the people I have...and my life wouldn't be the same.
So I guess it's how we look at it. Maybe I don't have everything I want...but I have a lot of great things, and I have a lot of great people in my life...and for THIS I am thankful...and I just can't be mad at God. Not when I think of all the people I love...
Here's to 26...may my life continue to be as blessed as it has been...and if this is the best it will ever get...then I can live with that...because I've got it pretty damn good! :)
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