Late night chat.

The other night one of my girlfriends stopped by.  It was impromptu.  I always think those types of visits are fun.  She just popped in, and we kinda just started chatting.  I try not to bring up my infertility a lot.  Sometimes I want to talk about it, since it is such a huge part of my life, but I realize that it is kind of a depressing topic, AND I realize it isn't as important to everyone...like it has become to me.  So, when my friend brought it up, I was surprised, but also a little comforted that it was "okay" to talk about it.  It wasn't all that "deep," but it mattered...and it really stuck with me.

We talked about fertility...and what is socially acceptable about it.  It's always a tricky thing.  There's no real social norm for people dealing with infertility.  How are we allowed to feel?  What is okay?  What isn't?  I mean...we know that when someone dies, we are allowed to be sad.  We are allowed to be devastated, even.  It's okay to cry, and scream...and kick.  I am not being funny.  I know most of the time I crack jokes, but I am being serious.  All of those things are okay to do, and all of these feelings are okay to feel. 

When you lose someone in your life, it is okay to be angry, and sad...and go through the stages of grieving.   Your family stays close, your friends are a phone call away, and people from work gather around to take care of you, and help to pick up the pieces.  We know what you do when things like this happen.  When someone is in the hospital, we send flowers, write cards, and visit.

THESE are all things we experience.  These are social norms.  So...what is the social norm for infertility?  What do you do?  What is acceptable?  What's not?  I think the answer is this:

I think infertility is a silent condition.  It's something we deal with privately.  It's something we don't talk about.  It's something we don't share with a lot of people.  I think people are allowed to grieve when someone dies because we ALL go through it...and it's a terrible thing.  We can sympathize with each other because we know what it is like.  If we haven't gone through it exactly, we have at least lost someone somewhat close to us, and are able to comprehend the sadness, disappointment, and anger.

Infertility is different.  It's something no one can understand, unless they have felt the pain.  You're not losing anyone, so some would argue that it isn't the same...that it doesn't constitute the same grievance.  But it's painful.  I promise you, it is.  Because, at the end of the day, you have NO ONE to lose.  And, I think never having that person to lose...is painful as well.