Oh, where to start?! These past few days have been tough for me. It started with the anticipation of Mother's day...and then I had a doctor's appointment today.
It's funny, because I remember the first time I went to see a fertility doctor. I was so uncomfortable. I remember being "spread eagle" on the table and feeling violated. Now it's no big deal. I guess that's normal. I am more comfortable...and that's always good...I think. I walk into the doctor's office now, and they all know me by name, "hey, Samm!"
I know the nurses, doctors, and receptionists. I'm a regular. I'm that person they all feel sorry for.
It's funny, too. You can always tell by the tone in their voices. They are always telling me how pretty I look.
"Oh, you are soooo pretty!"
"You look so great today!!!"
"You just look like you're ready to get pregnant."
"Looking healthy, girl!!!"
While it's flattering...I know that they are saying it because they feel bad for me. Today my nurse said to me "today we will not allow bad news." She's a sweet old woman. Poor thing. She probably feels awful each time she has to tell me something else is wrong.
I'm really tired of being there, but after today I learned my days there are going to be more regular than I first anticipated.
Today, after paying my $250, I was taken back to "my room." I had an ultra sound. Things seemed okay. I was then told I needed to be on a regimine of more medications.
More medications?! Seriously? OH! ...and I need a uterine biopsy. So, now I have to fill my body full of more drugs. I don't know why this bothers me so badly. I guess I just feel emotionally drained. I feel like everytime I think I am moving forward, something else just steps in the way of my happiness. ROAD BLOCK!
I long for all of the medications to stop. I am sick of being on one medication, then switching to the next. Then that one causes blood clots...so you need to take it with asprin...and you aren't starting your period...so let's start it for you with another drug...oh, and now we don't want you to have a period, so let's stop it. And you need to grow your uterine lining, so let's give you a new drug...and then we have to biopsy, so here is another drug...but don't take it until you are finished with the current medication. REALLY!?!? Why not just inject me with cancer? May as well...
Sigh. Today I just wanted to cry. I wish I had someone to talk to...who understand. This is a hard thing to deal with. It can mess a person up.
And to top it all off...after my appointment I had to go back to work to finish a baby shower banner for our work baby shower tmr. Ya. And now tmr. I will be at a baby shower all smiles, and putting on my best show...when really I just want to sit in the corner by myself and cry. I don't understand the world. And, while I realize this sounds ridiculously dramatic, I can't help but think WHY ME!? WHY THIS?
I know I deserve nothing...but it doesn't make me understand this any easier.
I'll stop having a pitty party after tmr. After the baby shower...
So, now I have to have a uterine biopsy. That requires lots more money, medications, and patience on my part...and this is all BEFORE I have any chance of possibly doing IVF. We need to be sure that my uterus can even sustain a pregnancy. So, I guess that's what we will determine by doing this.
I often think to myself...at what point do I just call it a loss? How much money, medications, and emotional damage am I willing to endure, before I just realize maybe I'm fighting a losing battle?
And that's how I feel now...
Sorry I am not more optimistic...or positive. Maybe next time...
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